Episode #7: The Hapka of Our Lives

Vista Kay opened the door and let her twin sister Vonda Kay inside.

“How’s she doin’?” She asked as she closed the door behind her.

“It’s bad, honey.” Vista pushed her hair back in place and motioned Vonda to follow her down the hall to their mother’s room. “I didn’t think she'd take the news like this. I just had no idea.”

“She’s 86 years old.” Vonda sighed. “It don’t take much to set her off.”

“But this…” Her sister shook her head. “I’ve tried ever thing to pull her outta it, but it’s been a week.”

“A week! Law, she hain’t tuck to her bed fer that long since they canceled “Another World”.” Vonda held up the Lock’n’lock she held in her hand. “Well, maybe this’ll cheer her up. If not, I got one more trick up m’sleeve.”

“Good luck.” Vista sighed. “I’ve tried ever thing I can think of, even offered t’ load the shotgun and let her shoot at any thing that moves in the backyard.”

“Mercy, that usually perks her right up.”

“Like I said, honey.” Vista put her hand on her mother’s bedroom door. “This is worse than I’ve ever seen her.”

Vista knocked lightly and pushed opened the door. “Mama? Look who’s here?”

The sisters stepped in the room and gazed at their mother, laid back on the gingham pillowcases, still in a rumpled bed with the curtains closed.

The old woman turned her head to the door and smiled feebly. “Vonda Kay. You come to say goodbye.”

“Oh pooh, Mama. Don’t wanna hear ya talk like that.” Vonda whisked into the bedroom trying hard to be a ray of sunshine. She snapped off the lid of what she was carrying and presented it to her mother, holding it under her nose so she could get a good whiff. “Look what I made, just fer you?”

“Steak fingers?” She asked.

Vonda nodded. “All fer you. I know how much you like ‘em.”

The old lady looked sadly down at the breaded, deep fried meat and sighed.

“They’s still hot…” Her daughter encouraged.

“Uhmmmm, they smell good.” Vista smiled. “Kin I have one?”

“No. They’s all fer Mama.” Vonda picked one up. “Want one?”

The old lady shook her head. “Just put the lid back on and put ‘em over there. I’ll share ‘em with the angels when they come ta take me ta heaven.”

Vonda tried one more time. “What if the angels are vegetarians?”

Her mother shot her a look. “Then I’ll know I’ve died an’ gone ta hell.” She crossed her arms, pulled the handmade quilt up tighter and stared into space.

“Aw, Mama.” Vonda sat on the edge of the bed. “What’s got’cha in such a state?”

“Life just ain’t worth livin’ no more.” The woman’s wrinkled face trembled and her eyes teared up.

Vista took the cover crocheted to look like a possum off the Kleenex, picked up the box and sat on the other side of the bed to hand them to her.

The 86 year old took one, honked her nose and sniffed. “The world just ain’t a place an ol’ lady like me needs ta be. I’m jest gonna lay here and wait fer Jesus to come an' kill the rest a me, like they done to m’heart.”

Vonda looked at Vista who shrugged her shoulders as their mother balled up the used Kleenex and lobbed a perfect shot into the trash can without rim. They all turned to the commotion barreling down the hall.

“Maw Maw!” Brod said as he threw open the door. “Maw Maw open them curtains an' see what me and Modene made fer ya in school.” He ran in the bedroom and threw open the blinds flooding the dank room with light.

“Law, child!” Maw Maw threw her hands in front of her face. “You tryin’ ta blind me afore the vegetarian angels drag me ta hell?”

“Sorry, Maw Maw.” The teenager twisted the blind knob a little. Out of breath he pulled a flimsy, poorly wrapped package from his jacket. “Here. Me and Modene spend extry time in the media center today and made this fer ya.” Brod smiled as he placed the package in his grandmother’s hands.

“Sweet Chil’ I don’t want no presents.” His grandmother sighed. “I just wanna go be with yer Granpaw. He’s been in heaven five years now, so I’m sure he’s got on socks that don’t match.”

“Open it, Mama.” Vista said. “It gots ta be something purdy. You know how Brod and his cousin git when they sit down at the computer.”

Brod grinned from ear to ear as his grandmother opened the paper. Contents revealed, she looked up. “That’s real sweet, Brod honey. Thank you.” She let it lay there untouched.

“Hold it up.” Brod shifted his weight back and forth on his feet. “We made it special fer ya.”

“Let me he’p ya, Mama.” Vista picked up the tee shirt, let it unfold and laid it picture out against her mother’s chest. Vista’s eyes lit up and she giggled. “That’s perfect Brod!”

“We thought so.” He smiled.

Vonda looked at the emblem on the white shirt. “Save Mark Hapka? Is that was all this is about? A soap opera?”

Maw Maw put her hands to her face and sobbed. “First John and Marlena, then Patch and Kayla and now they’ve let that sweet little Horton boy out of his contract!” She wailed.

Vonda Kaye stood up and slammed her hands on her hips. “Mama! It’s just a soap opera for cryin’ out loud. It ain’t the end a the world!”

The old lady whipped her head to stare at her daughter with eyes blazing. “I can get over that Blackburn’s is now a Food Country. I got used to always havin’ ta look fer the phone when it rings and I learned to live wi’the fact that a gallon a gas cost more’n a pair a good panties but that boy made that show! It’s too much!”

“Burned biscuits, Mama!” Vonda snorted. “Why don’t you just watch some other show?”

“Watch some other show?” Maw Maw grabbed the covers with her fists. “I’ve watched that show forever! It's my story! Them Hortons mean just as much ta’me as you do.”

“But they’re characters in a TV Show.”

“They’s Horton and they ain’t many real ones left, Vonda Kay.” Maw Maw crossed her arms in defiance.

“That’s just silly.” Vonda plopped back down on the bed and picked up the tee shirt, looking at the picture on it. “It’s an actor named Mark Hapka, not a Horton.”

“Ah know, I’m old. I ain’t senile.” The old lady snapped and grabbed her tee shirt back. “But he plays the last real Horton on m’show. After Miss Alice passed away this year, me ‘n’ the Hortons are like dinosaurs; one breath away from bein’ a horror movie on the SyFy network.”

Vista played with the top button on her blouse. “You got to admit, Vonda. He is a little cutie."

Her sister smiled. “Well, he is adorable.”

“Adorable?” Maw Maw scrunched her nose. “He’s a hottie. That boy’s got the best tushie in Salem. Now they’ve kicked it to the curb.”

The sisters exchanged glances. “Now, Mama you know they just may not have cable in heaven. How you gonna keep up with yer story if you go to heaven and cain’t watch?”

“Don’t be stupid.” The old woman snapped. “’Course they’s got cable. It’s heaven, not a Walmart. Mebbe me and Alice Horton can teach yer Daddy how to match his socks.”

“Maw Maw…” Brod finally said. “Don’t talk like ‘at. You know how much I needs ya here.”

“Yer a growd man, Brod honey. Ya don’t need an’ old lady ‘round no more.”

“Course I do.” Brod kneeled next to the bed and took his Grandmother’s hand. “Who’s gonna he’p me make sure m’ socks don’t clash with m’underwear?”

“I keep tellin’ ya tighie whities go with ever thing and they’s sexy as all get out.”

“Then there’s m’ Daddy comin home outta the blue with another son my age and bein’ the new principal o’ the high school ta boot. I’m a senior Maw Maw, you know that’s gonna ruin homecomin’.”

His Maw Maw took his hand and smiled so dearly. “Broderick baby, life is tough sometimes, but yer young and can handle all the changes. Ya got strength and character. Person’ly I’m just too pooped ta deal with it anymore.”

“But Maw Maw…” Brod started to argue.

She put her withered hand to his lips. “Thank ya kindly fer the shirt. Make sure they bury me in it.”

Brod looked at his mother and aunt defeated.

Vonda picked up the shirt and looked closely at the picture. “Mama, this boy is cute, but they’s much better lookin’ men left in Salem. That man who plays Brady's awful nice on the eyes.”

Maw Maw rolled her eyes. “He’s fine, but he ain’t no Horton.”

“He’s got such a nice chest, and those eyes.” Vonda closed her eyes. “He’s just yummy.”

“He’s sugar cake, Vonda.” Her mother reached for her tee shirt and held it close. "My Nathan Horton’s red velvet…red velvet cake with whip cream!”

“What about Doctor Dan?” Vista closed her eyes and licked her lips. “That man, talk about hot with a great tushy…”

“Great ever thing…” Vonda agreed.

“I don’t get it.” Brod looked up at the women. “What’s all the women sa crazy about that Shawn Christian fer? He’s just a hairy chest slammed down on a bunch a muscles.”

“It’s that smile.” His mother sighed.

“That smile on that face on that body.” His aunt chimed in.

“He’s a slut.” Maw Maw jumped in. “Sure he’s a hunk a man, but the man cain’t keep it in his pants. First that Chelsea girl, young enough ta be his daughter, then Kate that poor girl’s Granmaw mind ja, then Chloe. Mercy, an come ta find out he had a baby with Carly, whom I love but should not be with Bo…that’s just wrong!”

“You know, Bo’s awful good.” Vista suggested.

“I always liked him.” Vonda agreed. “Bad boys just do it fer me.”

“What about Bo, Maw Maw? Ain’t he worth livin’ fer?” Brod hoped.

The old lady curled her lips. “He’s got Hope, you just know they’ll get back tagether. Either that or I’ll come back an’ haunt them people.”

Maw Maw slashed her hand through the air. “Nathan Horton is the best man on that show. I’ve waited forever fer him and that sweet little Melanie to get tagether, an’ if Mark Hapka is a leavin m’show…then that does it. I’m a leavin’ this world!”

“Mama, honey, tomorrow just in case, let’s watch another show. Maybe we’ll find you another sweet face and firm butt to make you wanna live.” Vista smoothed the quilt.

“I’ll watch sumpin else with ya, but at one it’s still “Days of Our Lives”. She determined.

“Fine.” Vista stood up and put the Kleenex box back in the possum. “But I think we’ll watch “The Young and the Restless", too. We watched it a couple of times, remember? You seemed to like it.”

Maw Maw nodded her head. “I liked that little gay man they brought back.”

“That narrows it down.” Brod said under his breath.

“You know the one with the same body but the new face?” The old woman said.

“What?” Her daughter asked.

“You know the one.” Her mother scolded. “He was on the show years ago, then died and they made a big deal when the actor came back.”

“Oh yeah. I know who yer talkin’ about” Vonda chirped. “That Thom Bierdz. He’s a cutie.”

Maw Maw slapped the underside of her chin with the top of her hand. “He’s had a little work done, not that they’s anything wrong with that. They did such a good job on him, if I could afford it I mighta done it m’self.”

Vonda looked at Vista and smiled. “Well, Mama. I got some money. If you wanna have some o’that plastic surgery get yer dress on and I’ll run you right down ta Johnson City and we'll get it done.”

“Aw, that’s sweet child, but no thanks.” Maw Maw sighed. “They’d have ta do sa much nippin and tuckin’ to make me look young agin I could flick out m’navel lint out with m’tongue.”

"You know." Vonda said. "I shouldn't admit this, but I actually like that "One Life Ta Live" mor'n "Days" anyway. You should try that story."

"One Life Ta Live!" Her mother's head spun around. Vista and Brod stepped back knowing pea soup would spew forth any moment. "Get down on your knees and beg God forgiveness child!"

"I knowed I shouldn't a mentioned that." Vonda looked at the floor in mortal shame.

There was another slight knock at the door. It eased open and a familiar but long missing face peeked in.

“Maw Maw?” he said.

“Ronnie?” The old lady reached out her arms and let her other grandson swoop in.

Vonda turned to Vista smiling and whispered. “Told ja, I had another trick up m’sleeve.”

The old lady pushed her grandson back so she could get a good look at him. “When did they let you outta prison?”

“Just this mornin’.” He kept his arm around his grandmother and kissed the top of her mussed gray head.

“El Ronnie…” Vista bent over to give her nephew’s cheek a kiss. “Why didn’t no one tell us.”

“I was gonna.” Vonda said. “But then you tol’ me about Mama, an’ I thought the surprise might be enough to cheer her up.”

“Oh law, it does make me happy.” Maw Maw squeezed her grandson close. “I’m s’glad they decided twus a accident after all.”

“No, Maw Maw.” Ronnie corrected her. “Sorry ta say twernt no accident. Some fool runned over that girl with m’hay bailer on purpose, but they declared me innocent. Said twernt no way possible I coulda done it.”

“I coulda told ‘em that.” Maw Maw said confidently.

“They said she got runned over after that big rain storm an’ if Ronnie’d done it there would been blood on his clothes and the tops a his shoes, not just the bottoms from when he found her.” Vonda announced.

“Yup.” Ronnie smiled. “Between the rain and watchin’ “Days of Our Lives” I gots saved me from another jail term fer murder.”

“Aw, sweetie.” Maw Maw put her head on her grandson’s shoulder. “Nobody liked that first man you kilt.”

“Hey! I got an idea!” Brod piped in. “If they do a TV movie of yer story…” Brod held up the tee shirt he made. “Have Mark Hapka play you!”

“That’s a great idea!” Vista chirped. “He’s so much better than that guy with the Mohawk on ‘Glee’”.

“The dude who plays Nathan Horton?” Ronnie looked at his grandmother. “Is that what’s got ya so upset Maw Maw?”

“He’s leavin’ the show honey.” She sniffed. “I ain’t got no reason ta live.”

“Well, if it’ll make ya happy.” Ronnie told her. “I won’t sign a contract unless he plays me.”

“Ooh!” Vista piped up. “And the girl who plays Jennifer Horton can play the three a us.” She motioned to her sister and her mother.

“Oh she’s a good actress…” Maw Maw smiled. “An’ a real Horton, too!”

“And we’re all natch’ral blondes.” Vonda patted her hair.

“Today…” Brod coughed into his hand.

“You like this Hapka guy, Maw Maw?” Ronnie asked.

“Yes’m. He’s a true Horton and the hottest man in Salem. I’ll still watch ‘til I die, but ain’t got no reason ta live if he ain’t on m’show.”

“Hot?” Ronnie asked. “Ya know, I think if I was a woman I’d be all over that Stefano Dimera…”

“Stefano?” Maw Maw’s jaw dropped. “Land sakes, why on earth would you think that?”

“El Maw Maw, ever time you turn around he’s got another kid comin outta somewhere like cockroaches. He may not know nothin’ ‘bout birth control but ya gotta know he knows how ta satisfy a woman.”

“I never thought ‘bout that.” His grandmother mused.

“Ya know he’s ‘bout yer age…” Vista smiled and her mother giggled.

“I kinda think his newest kid is hot.” Vonda said.

“That Chad?” Maw Maw looked at her. Vonda nodded. “He’s cute, but he ain’t no Nathan. 'Sides they may be dancin’ round it, but I jes know him and that Will Horton is meant ta be.”

“Ooh…Will…” Vonda said. “Have you seen him with his shirt off? If he’s seventeen then I kin believe it’s butter.”

“Maw Maw?” Modene Moretz stuck her head in the door.

“Modene?” The old lady looked up.

“I’m sa sorry.” She apologized as she stepped in. “We knocked and the door was open…”

“Anytime, youngun…you know that.” Vonda gave her niece a hug.

“We?” Maw Maw asked. “Who’s we?”

“I brought a friend.” Modene reached out into the hall and pulled another boy in the crowding little country bedroom.

Brod stood and growled. “What’s he doin’ here?”

“Calm down, Brod.” Modene shushed him. “Ever body this is Jeff Neff.”

“Hello.” The boy said quietly.

“Oh my.” Vonda said.

“You’re my…” Vista said.

“Yes, ma’am. Mac Moretz is my stepfather.”

“Let’s not worry ‘bout all that right now.” Modene stepped right in. “Brod go get yer laptop and bring it here.”

“What?”

“Jest do it. Jeff’s come up with a way to hep Maw Maw.” Modene said. “Now run.”

“No need to hep me girl.” Maw Maw said and then held up the tee shirt. “This was awful purdy. Thank you.”

“Yer welcome.” She kissed her grandmother. “Hey Ronnie, they let you out again?”

“Yup.” Ronnie smiled. “I’ll be a little more careful where I park m’bailer fer a while.”

“Good idea.” Modene smiled.

Brod entered with the laptop. “Okay. Here it is.”

Jeff reached out his hand. “May I?”

Brod held it back a moment. “This is ta help my Maw Maw?”

“Yes.”

Begrudgingly he handed it to him. “Alright then.”

“Thank you.” Jeff took the laptop and laid it on the bed. “Ma’am, do you know anything about computers?”

Maw Maw looked at him. “IBM do you?”

He laughed. “Have you ever tried to use one?”

“Child, I’m too old to mess with such things.”

“Can you read?” He asked.

“Of course I can read…” Maw Maw was almost insulted.

“Can you spell?”

“Mama was a State Spellin’ Bee champ when she was younger.” Vista said with pride.

“Then this will be a piece of cake for you.” Jeff looked at the old lady. “May I?”

Maw Maw motioned for him to sit down. Modene and Ronnie popped up from her bedside and Jeff took their place sliding the lap top around so both he and Maw Maw could see the screen.

“Now Modene told me all about your problem.” Jeff said.

“Problem?” Maw Maw said. “I got it all worked out. NBC’s the one with the problem.”

Jeff smiled. “Well, let me put it this way. You're upset because Mark Hapka is leaving your soap opera and you’ll never see him again, right?”

“Sure ‘nuff.” Maw Maw said. “They brought that boy in and he stole m’heart. Now they’s rippin’ ‘em both out.”

“Well, he’s leaving the show, ma’am, but I found a way so he never has to leave your life.”

“What?” Maw Maw was confused.

“Jeff and I have signed you up for a Twitter account.” Modene smiled.

“A what?”

“Just watch how simple this is.” Jeff said.

He told the old woman what to type in and her face lit up. “Why that’s a pitch’er a me!”

“That’s because it’s your account. See right there…you’re MawMaw#1 on Twitter, and right here where it says followers are Modene and Brod and me. So whatever you type in and send we’ll all be able to read.”

“That’s so sweet child.” Maw Maw said, "But what does this have to do with m’ sweet Nathan Horton?”

“Well over here.” He patiently showed her what to do. “Is a list of people you are following. Anything they type in and send you’ll get to read. Now who’s there?”

Maw Maw slipped the glasses on that Vonda handed her. She cocked her head to see just right. “Let’s see there’s Brod, Modene and that’s you…”

“And…” Modene giggled.

“Law!” Maw Maw said. “That’s that sweet little Melanie from m’soap an…that’s m’boy! That’s m’ sweet lovely Nathan!”

Jeff nodded his head. “And anything he tweets, you can read. You can now know what he does and says even after he’s no longer on your show.”

“That’s jes amazin’!” Maw Maw cooed. “Can I send him a message?”

“Well not unless he’s following you, but you can respond to anything he tweets and he can read that.” Jeff pointed to the screen. “Look he just tweeted “Last week in Salem.”

“Aw…” Someone in the room said.

“Now how to say somethin' back ta him?”

Jeff showed her what to do. “Now you only have 140 characters, but it will tell you if you use too many.”

“Oh good.” Maw Maw pointed to her dresser. “Ya’ll hand me them steak fingers and Vonda run go iron m’ blue dress.”

“Sure Mama. You gonna get outta bed?”

“Course I’m getting’ outta bed.” Her mother chided. “Now ya’ll leave me alone while I write somethin’ to m’Nathan Then I’ll get dressed and we’ll make us some supper.”

“I can hang around a minute in case you have some trouble.” Jeff said.

“That’d be real sweet, Jeff honey.” Maw Maw said. “You jes stay fer dinner so we kin git ta know ya. Now ya’ll git out. Let a old woman have some privacy.”

“Sure Maw Maw…” The crowd all kissed her, Brod and Modene swiping a steak finger and filing happily out into the hall.

The woman in bed sighed and typed for a minute. She looked and read it out loud.

“Dear Mark I will miss you. Your butt makes an old lady remember what its like to be a woman. Love MawMaw#1”

Then she hit send.