Brod Moretz looked over his Grandmother’s shoulder to the picture she’d pulled up on the computer screen. “Law, Maw Maw, why’d a want me ta see that? Ya tryin’ ta make me suicidal?”
“It’s Daniel Goddard from Young ‘n’ Restless.” She told him.
“I know who it is, Maw Maw, but why’s he is in underwear?”
“I’m tryin’ ta prove sumpin’”. She turned to look at him.
“That I need ta work out more? I know I ain’t got a six pack...yet, but I’m workin’ on it. I’m up ta five an’ a half. I swear!”
“No.” She pointed to the computer screen. “I tol’ ya—tighie whities is sexy and they go with ever thing.”
“What’cha lookin’ at?” Vista Kay chirped as she came in the kitchen surprising them.
The window was quickly closed. “Nothin’” her son smiled nervously.
“Me an’ Brod was just tryin’ to decide what ta git cha fer yer birthday.” Maw Maw made up.
Vista hung her coat on the rack Brod had made for her in shop class. “Well m’birthday’s four months away, but if that’s what yer getting’ me I’m gonna need those four months fer endurance trainin’.” She giggled, reaching over and bringing the window back up.
“Mercy!” Vista whistled. “That’s a man!”
“It’s Daniel Goddard.” Maw Maw told her. “He use ta play Cain on Young ‘n’ Restless.”
“Oh, I know who it is.” Vista stared at the picture and smiled.
“He follows me on Twitter.” Maw Maw was proud. “He tweets from the tub a lot.”
Vista's voice dropped two octaves. “Well…I’m ready fer some sweet dreams.”
The women sniggered as Brod tossed up his hands. “T.M.I.”
“Brod’s right, Mama.” Vista went to the fridge to pour herself some juice. “We needs ta be careful what we pull up on the internet. We keep forgettin’ there’s a six year old in the house now.”
“Aw, they ain’t nothin’ shameful about that picher.”
“A course not, but it might give the poor boy a complex a some kind.” Vista said.
“Hain’t gonna happen.” Maw Maw pooh poohed.
“I’m eighteen an’ it give me a complex.” Brod snorted. “I’ll be in my room…doin’ sit ups…’til I’m forty.”
The two watched Brod tromp down the hall lifting up his shirt and looking at his belly.
Vista turned to her mother and quickly asked. “So how did you make out with Tucker?”
The old woman grinned from ear to ear. “Oh we had us a good time. That’s a wonnerful li’l boy.”
“I just feel sa bad.” Vista sat at the table with her juice. “Him and his Daddy movin’ in and me spendin’ so much time workin’ on this beauty pageant.”
“Honey, don’t fret none. They’s borders not people ya gots ta entertain.”
“But I want ‘em ta feel like family while they’re here.” Vista sighed.
“They’s people we like that pays rent. They's already better'n family.” Maw hit a few keys on the laptop and checked her Twitter. “And Thatch was right there with ya. He’s a workin’ almost as hard on this thing as you are.”
“Oh Mama,” Vista sighed. “The set he’s a buildin’ is gonna be so beautiful! An’ he got ever scrap bein’ used donated. We ain’t spent one dime a that cheapo fifty dollar budget.”
“Don’ act so surprised Vista. They’s lots a people willin’ ta help put, ‘specially people who left the area and wanna find a little way ta give back.” Maw Maw looked at the screen in front of her and then turned to her daughter. “George Guzman says he had a great time and hopes it was helpful.”
“Law Mama, it was perfect, just perfect. You tweet him a big ‘ol thank you an a kiss from me an’ all the girls.” Vista gushed. “An’ make sure he does the same for that sweet Eileen Davidson.”
“Ashley Abbott helped him?” Maw Maw looked up from her Twitter.
“She was his model.” Vista smiled. “And she gave some really great advice. Mercy, she must be one a the most beautiful women on the planet. The girls was so excited.”
“But did they learn anything?”
“Mama, them ducklings turned into swans within the hour. It was just amazin’. Between George & Eileen tonight and that Nadia Bjorlin last night, not only have the girls learned how to make the most a what they have, but they’ve already had the most memorable experience of their life.”
“Ya didn’t have no trouble settin’ up that Skype thingy?” Vista’s mother asked.
“Not at all. Lou Lee Eller slapped it all together in the blink of an eye.” Vista sighed. “Too bad she cain’t do that for her talent.”
“Still not findin’ anything she kin do?”
“So far it looks like the only talent she’s got is anything connected with a computer.” Vista took a swig of her juice. “And snortin’ a noodle up one nostril and blowin’ it out the other.”
Maw Maw frowned. “Cassie Shouns did that for talent last year.”
“That’s why we ruled it out. Don’t wanna be accused a copycattin’.”
“Ever body else doin’ fine?”
“Most of ‘em need some work, but we ain’t gonna start a polishin’ all that up till the end a the week. Vonda and I are hopin’ to change a few minds when it comes to talent.”
“Not a lot a good ones?”
“Law Mama, these girls is gonna knock ever ones socks off, but some of the choices just aren’t the best. Like Ginger Snodgrass, she wants to clog and prove that it’s accessible and modern.”
“What’s wrong wi’that?” Maw Maw asked.
“Why nothin’, but somehow cloggin’ to “Born This Way” isn’t gonna do that.” Vista Kay bit her lip. “And I don’t know why but that reminds me I got confirmation of another judge tonight.”
“That’s good wif the two I got fer ya, that should be more’n enough.”
“Who’d you get?” Vista tried to put off the good/bad news for her mother as long as she could.
“Well, if Vonda will let ‘em stay in the cabin that week, I gots us Arianne Zucker and Kyle Lowder from “Days of Our Lives”. She gots a break comin’ up and wants me to teach her how to make m’ apple pies.”
“That’s wonderful, Mama! That’s a former governor, two former Miss JCHS, a Miss Oklahoma and three Daytime TV stars!”
“Three?” Maw Maw was surprised. “Who’s the third?”
“Well…you remember when we saw “Peter Pan” at Theatre Bristol back in the ‘90s?”
“Sure do.” Maw Maw smiled. “That sweet little boy stole the show. I cain’t ‘member his name. Wonder what ever happened ta him…”
“His name is Mark Lawson.” Vista smiled. “He’s all growed up now and a star on daytime TV. I talked to his Mama, Barbara and she says he’d be happy to be a judge for us. Ya know he just got pre-nominated for an Emmy.”
“Really?” Maw Maw got very excited. “What show’s he on?”
Vista braced herself. “One Life to Live.”
A grin stretched tightly across her mother’s face as she slowly and deliberately closed the lid to the laptop. “That is so wunnerful, Vista Kay. This fiftieth pageant is gonna be one hum dinger.”
“I think so.” Vista said skeptically.
“Do you by enny chance have Vida Leigh’s phone number? I needs ta get her to teach me how ta do sumpin.” Ruby Acres calmly asked.
Vista took a sigh of relief. “Sure, Mama. It’s in m’phone book on the desk in the livin’ room.”
“I won’t call her tonight.” Maw Maw pushed herself to her feet. “I’ll try her first thang in the morning.” She kissed her daughter on the forehead. “Turnin’ in, love ya honey.”
“You too, Mama.” Vista watched her mother head out of the kitchen. She sighed again. “Well that was easier than I thought.”
She stood up and rinsed her juice glass and put it in the sink when the thought hit her. She whirled around and yelled. “Mama, you are not gonna get Vida Leigh to perform an exorcism on Mark Lawson!”
Thatcher Tate appeared in the kitchen doorway. “What was that?”
“Nothin’.” Vista smiled. “Thanks for all your help this week.”
“I’m enjoying it. And thank you for letting Tucker and I move in this house. It is so much nicer than a motel room.”
“Mama and I just couldn’t bear the thought of that sweet little boy stuck in the Mountain Empire. Not that there’s anything wrong with the Mountain Empire, but he’s six. He needs space ta run aroun’. Heavens knows a parkin’ lot for a front yard and Pizza Palace for a back yard couldn’t have been much fun for him…or you.” Vista rambled.
“You’re sure we’re not in the way living here?” Thatch put his hands in his pockets.
“Not t’all. It’s a big ol’ house. It’s nice to have a few more people ta fill it up.” Vista smiled. “I just had some juice. Would you like somethin’? I can make some tea er hot milk?”
“Actually I wanted to thank Miss Ruby for spending so much time with Tucker. I kind of feel like I dropped him on your doorstep and disappeared.”
“She loves it. So do the rest of us. We love spending time with him. He’s such a great little boy.”
“Well he loves it here.” Thatcher sat down at the table.
“How ‘bout you?” Vista pulled the chair out opposite him and seated herself.
“Absolutely. You’ve made me feel so at home, I’ll hate to leave.”
“Good. And are your rooms okay?” Vista was concerned. “I really haven’t had much of a chance to check, been so busy m’self. We tried to fix ‘em up and put ya’ll where you’d have some peace ‘n’ quiet.”
“They’re perfect. Thank you.”
“We picked out Tucker’s room ‘specially. It was m’ brother’s, ‘course all the rooms belonged to a brother or a sister, but that one is special.”
“A favorite sibling?”
Vista smiled. “Now I tried never ta play fav’rites, but I have ta admit me ‘n’ Spook…we always had a special bond.”
“Spook? You had a brother named Spook?”
She laughed. “Well his given name was Elmer John but we always called him Spook cause he was sa quiet ya never knew he was around ‘til he said somethin’. Then it was such a shock ya lost last week’s dinner out both ends.”
Thatcher Tate laughed out loud. “Vista, I love your way with words.”
Vista put her hand to her mouth and giggled. “Sorry, I must sound like an idiot sometimes.”
“You sound perfect.” His smile made Vista blush. “Now how many brothers and sisters did you have?”
“Well, there's sixteen of us altogether, but by the time us little ones come along some a the older ones had already moved off ‘n’ started their own fam’lies.”
“You and Vonda are the babies?”
“Oh, no. We was a surprise but eighteen months later my baby brother came along as one final shock. He’s the youngest.”
“That was Spook?”
Vista smiled with a sad look in her eye. “No. Spook was six years older, got a sister Winnie in between us. For some reason me an’ Spook seemed more like twins than me ‘n’ Vonda.”
“You’re still close?” Thatch asked.
She shook her head. “He died when I was sixteen. Just a silly, silly accident. They kept him alive on machines for twenty four hours. That was the hardest part. He was the first organ donor I ever knew.”
“It’s a good thing.” Thatcher tried to smile.
“But it’s hard. At first I was horrified, but it was somethin’ Spook believed in and we let it be. Now...now I find it comforting knowin’ that my big brother’s eyes are helpin’ someone to see, and his heart…his heart still beats and feels so deep, I just know it.”
Thatcher Tate nodded his head and put his hand on Vista’s. “I understand. My wife, she wanted the same thing.”
Vista pulled herself from the past she was slipping into, smiled and put her other hand on his and squeezed. “I keep forgettin’ other people have breaks in their hearts, too.”
After a moment of understood silence, Thatch cleared his throat and said. “So sixteen of you? I bet this house was never quiet.”
“It rarely is now.” Vista laughed quietly. “Mama and Daddy had a love so great in a hundred years we won’t be a family anymore. We’ll be a race of people. Sixteen kids, 43 grandkids; all ready two great great grandchildren.”
“Miss Ruby is an amazing woman.” Her companion smiled.
“I can’t keep up with ‘em all m’self, but Mama? Mama knows every name, every little smile an’ never misses a birthday.”
“With a family that big every day must be somebody’s birthday.” Thatcher smiled again.
“Just about.” Vista realized they were still holding hands and shyly slipped hers back to her lap. “And you know, Mama is not gonna put up with you callin’ her Miss Ruby much longer.”
Thatcher Tate just blushed and nodded his head. Vista couldn’t help but smile when the man looked up again and caught her eye. “Vista, Tucker and I talked it over and we decided we want to give you something.”
“Aw, that’s sweet Thatch, but I don’t need anything.”
“This is for your fund.” He said reaching in his pocket.
“My fund?”
Thatcher slipped a half folded check across the table and under her fingers. “I know lots of money has been coming in, donations of all kinds.”
Vista understood. “We’re putting all the money into a scholarship fund. Don’t say nothin’, the girls won’t know until we announce it the night a the pageant. It ain’t gonna be a lot, but from now on ever year every girl in that pageant’s gonna get just a little money to use for college. You know what little there will be this year is more than most of the girls will ever have to further their education.”
“That’s great, Vista.”
“We’re calling it the Fran Atkinson Scholarships, after the lady who owned and ran WMCT. That's the radio station here in town. She was a firm believer in the betterment a this county and I can’t think of a better way to honor her mem’ry than to give to the betterment of the young women in our school system.”
“Well, me an’ Tucker want to give our little part to do just that. We haven’t been here long, but no matter what a big part of our hearts are always gonna be here.”
“Johnson County is certainly unique. It’ll drive ya crazy, but ya can’t help but fall in love.” She smiled.
Thatcher looked in Vista’s eyes. “I think it’s just inevitable.”
There was a moment of shared, pleasant silence before Thatcher Tate nodded his head and smiled again. “Well, I need to go tuck m’little Tucker in and listen to his prayers.”
“Give him a big kiss goodnight for me.” Vista looked up at him as he stood.
“More than happy to.” He turned to leave the kitchen as Vista remembered the check, opened it and looked.
“Holy crap, Thatcher Tate!” Her shocked voice made him stop and turn to look at her. “That’s some crush you’ve got on this county.”
“Who said it was on the county?” He winked at her.
“Thatcher Tate, are you flirtin’ with me?” Vista couldn’t believe she blurted out.
“I been tryin’ for a couple of months now, but I must not be very good at it.” He shoved his hands in his pockets and turned to leave the room. “You never seem to notice.”
Vista Kay sighed and leaned back in the kitchen chair. “I noticed, I just didn’t think I was hearing right.”
Thatch stopped at the door frame but didn’t turn back around so she couldn’t see the schoolboy grin on his face. “Your hearing’s just fine Vista Kay.”
He walked through the house and up the old staircase to the bedroom at the end of the hallway on the third floor. His son’s bedroom door was open.
“You ready to say your prayers?” Thatch asked his son.
“Sure, Daddy.” Tucker smiled up at him as he closed the book he was reading. His father joined him on the big old bed.
“What’cha readin’?” He asked as the boy put the hardcover on the nightstand.
“An old book I found on the shelves over there.” He pointed to the bookcase packed full of books. “It’s called ‘The Red Pony’. Brod and I have been takin’ turns reading a chapter every night. Tomorrows my turn to read, so I wanted to make sure I had all the words good ‘n’ right. Some of ‘em is purdy hard.”
“John Steinbeck, my favorite.” Thatcher Tate slipped his arm around his son and kissed him on the top of the head. “Did you have a good time tonight?”
“Oh yes, Daddy.” Tucker smiled brightly. “Maw Maw and I had so much fun. We watched ‘Minute to Win It’ an’ then we competed with each other to see who could do the stunts the bestest.”
“Who won?”
“Well, Maw Maw can blow the cards off the deck better’n me, but I tear up shakin’ the balls outta the Kleenex box tied to m’butt.” Tucker grinned as he asked his father. “Did you have fun tonight?”
“Sure I did.”
“Miss Vista said if you said it was okay, I can go help back stage. That would be fun. Can I, huh, can I?”
“We'll see. Right now I think it’s time to say your prayers and get some sleep. Tomorrow’s a school day.”
The father smiled as the son crawled out of the bed covers and got on his knees by the bed, folding his hands and gently starting off with “Now I lay me down to sleep…”
When Tucker thanked the Lord for everything and everyone and said ‘Amen’ he gave his father a powerful hug and a kiss and crawled back under the quilts that would keep his love warm through out the night.
Thatcher Tate always had to fight the tears of happiness and pride when he listened to his little boy recite the prayer his father had taught him when he was a child. He took one last look at the lad. The boy’s eyes closed tightly as he flipped off the light and shut the bedroom door.
Tucker waited patiently, listening for his father’s footsteps back up the hall to his own room. As soon as he was sure he heard the door shut, he slipped out of the bed and went back to his knees on the floor. Head bowed and hands folded he spoke quietly but firmly, “Dear Lord, it’s me again. Tucker Ray Tate.
First of all, forgive me for the baby prayer I said before. My Daddy still thinks I’m little so that was just for him. I know you understand. Adults get so funny about their little boys a growin’ up. So until I thinks he can handle it, you’ll still be hearin’ now I lay me down to sleep from me for a while. But that’s just between us. Okay?
I just had ta thank you for my new home. It’s so wonderful. Them apartment’s we was livin’ in was nice, but as Maw Maw said I needed a place to be young an’ wild. This house is just perfect, everything I ever dreamed of. Your just sa good at answerin’ prayers, but I reckon that’s why your God and I’m just Tucker.
Now I know this is just a temp’rary place ta live, but if’n ya wanna make it forever you’d get no big fuss from me. An’ I think m’Daddy likes it here, too. He’s got this big ol’ smile on his face all the time now, ‘spcially when Miss Vista’s around with a big ol’ grin on her face, too.
I think they like each other, an’ you know God, that’s fine by me. Wouldn’t it be just perfec’ if Miss Vista became my new Mommy, real like? My Daddy’d be so happy and I need a Mommy so bad. So if it’s okay by you, I’ll just pretend it’s so for a while.
I don’t know why you took my Mommy from us, but I understand that sometimes you gotta do things that makes you cry, too. I miss her every day, but I know she’s up there in Heaven with you. So I can live with that, since I has to.
Oh, and for Maw Maw, just in case Miss Alice Horton ain’t up there with you all, could you send my Mommy to check on Maw Maw’s husband from time to time? He’s up there, too and Maw Maw’s so worried he’s a wearin’ socks that don’t match. My Mommy was real good at stuff like that.
An’ before I forgets, thank you so much for Brod and Maw Maw. I must have been extry good lately a cause they’s both the really good prizes in the bottom of the box a the Cracker Jacks of my life. I always wanted a big brother an’ you give me Brod right outta the blue, even if it’s just for a little while.
We play ball and video games. Sometimes we just horse around and act silly until one time Miss Vista had to tell us to calm down. Course I don’t think she’s really mad but we was awful loud and she did have a cake in the oven. Thank you for makin’ that cake turn out sa good. You know God, if’n ya made brussel sprouts taste more like chocolate cake we kids would eat a whole lot more of ‘em. I'm just sayin’.
Where was I? Oh yeah, thank you so much for Maw Maw. I love her. Please let her stay with us forever. I don’t know how old she is, but she keeps tellin’ me she gots zits on her bee-hind older’n me, so she must be way up there.
Tonight she let me help make dinner. We had roadkill soufflé. Actually it was just chicken casserole with broccoli but we had so much fun a pretendin’ to chop up critters like possum and wood varmint and drop ‘em in the dish. We watched TV while we ate, but don’t tell Daddy or Miss Vista. They don’t like the TV on at dinnertime.
Say God, did you know there’s a big ol’ barn for me to play in here? What am I a sayin’? A course you did. It’s soooo big! They don’t have cows or pigs or chickens no more but they still gots that big ol’ barn. By the way don’t say nothin’ about there bein’ no chickens to Maw Maw. It tends to rile her up so.
Anyway, Brod took me up to the tippy top hayloft and showed me a place where he carved his initials when he was my age. He says I can carve mine there to. Maybe someday I will, but only when I know that I’m gonna live here forever but that’s up to you.
Just one more thing Lord an’ I’ll let you get to bed. You must be tired a listen to ever one moan and complain all day long. It’d wear me out. I wouldn’t have your job for the world.
Anyway, please be with all them ugly girls in that beauty pageant Miss Vista and Miss Vonda are workin’ so hard on. Now you and me knows that them girls ain’t ugly…well, most of ‘em anyway. I think theys all beautiful, ‘specially Modene. I'm gonna marry her when I grow up, but that’s not m’point. Them girl’s in that pageant? Could ya prove to ever one of ‘em just how beautiful they are? That way they can all win.
And Lord, if me and Daddy has to leave this place, can we stay until Mark Hapka’s last show on “Days of Our Lives”? Maw Maw loves him so much. She’s puttin’ up a good face an’ all; Twitter’n him and such. But that day’s gonna be hard on her, so I really needs ta be here.
I’m savin’ up my allowance to buy some extry Kleenex for when it comes. She just about died when Bo and Hope kissed today. I’m not sure whether ta thank you for that, or ask for a little warnin’ next time. It was a rough one, an’ she was happy ‘bout it. Don’t know whether any of us will make it out alive the day Nathan Horton leaves her story.
Kissin’ is kinda gross Lord. I’m not sure it was your best idea, but I reckon we all gots ta live with it. When Modene and I gets married we ain’t gonna kiss. We’re just gonna eat popcorn and play video games an’ live happily ever after.
Well, I’m sure there’s a whole lot more we could talk about, but tomorrows a school day an’ I’m a little worn out. You must be, too. You musta been tired the day you made school. It ain’t one a your better creations neither. Oh well, Maw Maw an’ Daddy says you do every thing for a reason an I can live with that.
So, good night God. I love you so much. Thank you for this new place and these wonderful people you just dropped into my life an’ it wasn’t even m’birthday. Thanks a bunch.”
Tucker started to open his eyes and crawl back into bed when he thought of something else. “And God, when I grow up would you please make me look like Daniel Goddard when I’m in my underwear?”
He smiled and said, “Amen.” before crawling back up into the deep bed and under the warm covers, drifting quickly off into the happy dreams every six year old boy should have.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Episode #11: A Little Bit of Beautiful
“Can I sit with ya’ll?” She asked with a smile on her face, lunch tray balanced in one hand and crutch under her other arm.
Modene looked up at her aunt and smiled. “Sure. There’s always room for you.” She scooted her chair a little to make room at the round for her.
Vista stuck her straw in the milk carton. “This is so much fun fer me. I haven’t been to school in ages.” She took a slurp.
“So yer enjoyin’ bein’ a substitute?” One of the other girls at the table asked.
“Oh yes.” Vista looked at her tray. “I was so bored sittin’ around the house with m’leg up. I was surprised they asked me.”
“Well, it makes perfect sense.” Modene said playing with her French fries. “Get a real writer to teach the journalism class. I think you should do it all the time.”
“Aw thanks, honey.” Vista smiled. “But I’m only here ‘til Miss Trayer comes back. It should only be a few weeks before she gets that Visa mess straightened out.”
“How did she end up in Slovenia anyways?” Modene asked.
“I’m not really sure, darlin’, but just stand warned never to sign up for a singles website on Facebook.” Vista took a bite of meatloaf. “Now what was you girls talkin’ about afore the nasty ol’ teacher sat down with ye?”
“Nothin.’” The morose figure directly in front of her sighed. It took Vista a minute before she realized it was a young girl and another to remember who she was.
“Louie Kirk.” Vista put on a wide grin. “It’s a pleasure ta meet you. I have read all about you in the Tomahawk.”
“Thank ye, ma’am.” The girl smiled.
“Imagine bein’ on the All-State Basketball and Volleyball teams an’ just a Junior?” Vista was so proud of her. “You are doin’ our little county sa proud.”
Louie blushed and went back to her meatloaf. Vista looked around the quiet table. “Should I move to the teacher’s room? I feel like I just sat down in the middle of ya’lls plot to overthrow Libya.”
“No, Aunt Vista, yer fine.” Modene looked up and assured her.
“Good.” She smiled. “That little room they want us ta eat in makes me feel like one a them giraffes at the Knoxville Zoo. I keep expectin’ someone to knock on the glass and tease me with a head a’ lettuce.” None of the girls cracked a smile. “Are ya’ll sure now?”
“Believe me,” Modene said half looking up from her lunch tray. “Nobody at this table was about to hold hands and sing Kumbya”.
“Obviously they is somethin’ wrong. You wanna talk about it?”
“No.” Louis Kirk made that very clear.
“Okay, honey. Don’t bite m’ head off.” Vista smiled.
“I’m sorry ma’am.” Louie looked up sincerely. “We’s all jest in a foul mood. Ain’t been a good day fer none of us.”
Vista nodded her head and shifted around a little. “It’s okay, Louie. I understand all about bad days. Sometimes it’s good to jest sit around with yer best girlfriends and all be miserable together.”
“Reckon that’s what we’re a doin’.” Modene said quietly.
“Well, don’t make me the only happy cluck in the henhouse. Tell me what’s goin’ on so I can kick the fire outta the cat when I get home, too.”
“Oh, good, four of you at once.” A voice came behind Vista’s shoulders.
Louie looked up from her plate at whoever was behind Vista Kay. “If you wanna talk about what I think you wanna talk about, let me jes’ say fer all of us at this table…drop dead!”
“Louie!” Vista was shocked.
A third girl, a timid little mouse looked up. “I kin speak fer m’self, Louie Kirk.” The tiny little girl looked at the figure behind Vista and was vehement. “Why don’t you go f….”
“Honey!” Vista dropped her fork on the floor. “You kiss yer mother with that mouth?”
“I’d rather do that than be in enny stupid ole beauty pageant!” She said huffing and folding her arms across her chest.
“Is that what this is all about?” Vista asked.
Modene rolled her eyes and nodded her head. It took a moment to maneuver her body around, the cast on her foot making it difficult. She turned around to see Unita Cheeseman, the girl’s phys ed coach, standing behind her perplexed.
“Girls, you should be honored.” The woman said. “Your homerooms voted you to represent them.”
Louie Kirk squinted her eyes at the woman. “No they didn’t, and we all know it. Jest go away Coach Cheesy.”
Vista turned back to the girls. “Oh, that’s excitin’! All four of ya got voted in?”
“Every one of them.” Coach Cheesy said. “We’re gonna start rehearsals next week. I’m hopin’ all four of you will participate.”
“No thanks.” Modene managed to smile before rolling her eyes and stabbing a blob of meatloaf with a fork.
“But why?” Vista tried to encourage the morose quartet. “It’ll be so much fun! It’s the fiftieth year ain’t it? They’s bound to be a real big ta do. Ya’ll be a part a history.”
There was no response from the girls. They continued to poke forks at the meat loaf and French fries. Vista turned to Coach Cheeseman who just shrugged her shoulders. Vista put her own fork down and turned back to the girls.
“Now I know it ain’t ever girl’s dream to be in a beauty pageant but ya’ll are actin’ like ya just got voted to be given a las’ wish an’ shot at sunrise”.
“Might as well be…” The mousey one said quietly.
“What’s goin’ on here?” Vista asked. “Is there somethin’ I don’t know about?”
Modene looked up from playing with her food a moment. “Look at the list Aunt Vista.”
“What?”
“That’s the list a girls voted to be in Miss JCHS you got in yer hand ain't it, Coach Cheesy?” When the coach nodded her head guilty, Modene told her. “Let Aunt Vista see it.”
The petite little woman sighed and handed the folder to Vista. Vista let out a little giggle as she opened the folder. “Just think, one a the lucky young ladies on this list is gonna be the fiftieth…oh my…”
Vista looked up at Coach Cheesemen and back down at the list. She plastered a smile on and turned back to the girls. “It’s hard to pick a winner. It’ll be some pageant.”
“Oh yeah…” Modene slurped her milk.
Turning back to the list, Vista scanned it. “Look, Marcella Tater…and you girls…”
“Kind of a surprise list, ain’t it Auntie?”
“Well…” Vista closed the folder and put it in the center of the round. “I have to admit I’m a little surprised Ruth Ann or Ann Bliss aren’t on that list, but they’re in the same homeroom, prob’ly canceled each other out this year.”
“Look at who got chosen over ‘em.” Modene glared.
Vista picked back up the folder. “Let’s see, they’re in Miz Brookshire’s homeroom…” Her eyes scanned down the page. “Oh yes, Donnette Cornwall. Why she’s…umm…”
Louie Kirk looked at her. “Let’s just say she’s in special ed, and leave it at that.”
“…and a wheel chair.” The mousey one spoke up and trailed off.
Coach Cheeseman pulled a chair from the next table and sat down defeated. “Okay girls, I’m beggin’ for some help here. We all know what went on, and so far the only girl in the pageant is Marcella Tater. I get no more girls and she wins by default.”
“By default?” Vista was shocked. “Surely a number of these girls are gonna participate.”
The four at the round all looked Vista in the eye and shook their heads.
“Of course they are, this is such an honor.” Vista struggled for the right encouragement. “It’s…its tradition. You know how much we inbred rednecks love country music, shootin' stuff and tradition.”
“None of us are gonna be in that stupid pageant, Auntie. That’s final.” Modene slammed her fork down in the mess she’d made of her lunch.
“But why?”
“You’ve seen that list.” The mousey girl said.
“Yes, I have.” Vista opened it back up. “And ever’ one of these girls would make a fine Miss JCHS.”
“Well, looks like ol’ Marcella Tater’s gonna win by default.” Louie said. “Ain’t no one else on that list ever gonna be in that pageant. We’ve all got more respect for ourselves ‘en that.”
Vista started to argue, but Coach Cheeseman put her hand on Vista’s about to flail arm. “Miz Moretz, they’re right.”
“What?”
Modene turned to her aunt. “The football team decided it would be fun to make the big pageant this year a…what did they call it?”
“A dog and gunny sack parade.” Louie didn’t look up from the pile of ketchup she was drawing a circle in.
“They kinda made sure in every home room, the girl voted in was one people made fun of er they thought was the ugliest in the class.” Modene admitted. “Even if some of ‘em wanted to be in that pageant, Auntie, they’s so poor they kin barely afford what few clothes they wear ta school.”
“That’s jest awful.” Vista finally understood. “Why would them boys do that?”
“They thought it would be funny.” The mousey one piped up.
The intercom interrupted the sudden quiet. “Coach Cheeseman come to the office please. Coach Cheeseman come to the office.”
The coach looked at Vista as she picked up her folder. “Wanna bet that’s the firing squad?”
Vista smiled at the young woman. “Goo’luck.” As she got up to head toward the office, Vista added. “Let me know if I kin help.”
The table watched the defeated woman head toward the office. Coach Cheeseman was usually so perky and energetic. It was easy to see, she’d lost this game and had given up any chance of a last minute rebound.
“I never thought I’d see the day, girls.” Vista admitted. “I am at a total loss fer words.”
A chubby little girl with six or seven unnatural colors in her hair appeared at the table and looked on them. “Hi, girls!”
Modene rolled her eyes. “Hi, Marcella.”
“I jes’ wanted you all ta know that I’m gonna be the next Miss JCHS. My mama ‘n I already bought my gown from Target, an’ Erma Plotkin is gonna be here ta do my hair ‘n make up personal.” She put her hands on her ample hips. “An’ my talent is spactac’lar. It’s gonna blow this Podunk town wide open!” She sneered.
Lou Lee Eller, the fourth until now silent one at the table, looked Marcella Tater in the eye. “Does it include puttin’ on yer knee pads and given yer neck and jaw muscles a workout?”
Marcella Tater squinted her eyes. “That’s sa’ funny I fergot to laugh. I look forward to whippin’ yer hiney and when I do I’m gonna make you bend over and kiss my royal…”
“Marcella Tater!” Vista stepped in. “I have heard enough. You spoke yer mind, now run along.”
“Fine.” She hadn’t realized an adult was at the table. “I apol’gize Mizz Moretz. These girls has teased me all my life, an’ I guess I let the devil git to me. You know how the devil steps in when the Lord finally sits ya on the right track.”
Vista squeezed a tight smile on her face and nodded as the girl swished away. As soon as Marcella was out of sight, Vista turned back to the table and slapped her hands on the Formica surface. “You girls gonna let that little stuck up snot get away with this?”
“What kin we do, Miz Moretz?” The mousey one sighed.
“I’m sorry, what’s yer name honey?”
“Virginia, Virginia Alexander, but ever body calls me Mousey.” She smiled.
“Well, Mousey, It’s nice to meet ya, and I’ll tell ya exactly what you kin do.” Vista leaned in. “Forgive my language, but you kin be in that pageant and whip that little slut’s ass.”
“Ain’t gonna do it.” Louie was firm.
“You wanna let that thang treat you like loser afore ya even tried ta prove yerself?”
“First of all, we ain’t got no chance.” Lou Lee snorted. “And secon’ of all, the school’s just gonna howl and cat call ever time we walk on stage.”
“Who says?” Vista was equally vehement.
“Look at us, Miz Moretz.” Mousey was almost in tears. “Speakin’ fer m’self, I gots a figure like a prayin’ mantis wif the legs ripped off.”
Vista smiled. “Honey child, that’s what God made chicken cutlets fer.” The table giggled. “Ev’ry one a you girls has a chance ta win this thing. All ya got to do is do it.”
Louie Kirk shook her head and put down her fork. “Miz Moretz, I ‘preciate the encourg’ment, really I do. Yer right Lou Lee, Mousey and ‘specially Modene would have a real shot, but me…I ain’t gonna ‘embar’ss m’self.”
“Now why would you think that?” Vista asked.
“Com’on, be honest.” Louie sat back in her hard plastic chair and folded her arms. “I’m surprised the kids in m’homeroom even 'membered I was a girl.”
Vista bit the inside of her mouth. “Honestly? I dint say it wuddn’t gonna take some work, but we can do this.” She reached across the table and took Louie’s chin in her hand. “Honey, inside of everyone there’s a little bit of beautiful. You believe that and I bet we can make everyone see just how beautiful you are on the outside, too.”
“No disrespect, Auntie, but why should we?” Modene looked at her Aunt. “It ain’t no honor this year. We all been branded with a Scarlet Letter only the modern version with a big ol’ ‘L’ stomped on our foreheads.”
“High school is hard ‘nuff bein’ on the bottom tier.” Mousey agreed with Modene. “All the girls in this years pageant, fiftieth er no, is gonna wind up in a special bottom a the barrel section.”
“We’d jest be jest tellin people to ta humiliate ‘n’ tease us...in front of ar kinfolk!” Lou Lee admitted.
Vista Kay Moretz knew they were right. She hadn’t been in high school for a long time. It was tough for the kids who weren’t popular or rich, and somehow in 2011, the popular and rich had created a whole new way to publicly bully and get away with it. But she would not be swayed.
“There’s got ta be a way to turn this all around girls.”
“’Less you can find us all a fairy godmother and a whole punkin patch it ain’t never hap’nin’”. Mousey frowned.
But that statement made Vista smile. “If they was a way to not make this pageant a dog ‘n’ gunny sack parade would ya’ll be willin’ ta do it?”
The girls looked at each other and shrugged. “Good.” Vista beamed. “I got an idea. You talk to ever girl on that list. Tell ‘em not ta worry about money fer dresses, er bein’ teased. We’re gonna turn this sucker around.”
Mousey brightened up. “You promise Miz Moretz?”
“I not only promise, I guarantee.” Vista took the girls hand. “Now you have ever girl interested in makin’ the football team eat crow outta their protective cups with Marcella Tater servin humble pie come ta my house tonight fer dinner. We gots lots a work to do.”
Vista pushed herself back from the round and reached for her crutches. Modene grabbed her arm. “But Auntie, me ‘n’ Lou Lee’s seniors. Seniors never win.”
“Aw honey, this year it ain’t about winnin’ the crown it’s about steppin’ on all them tongues that are gonna drop to the floor when we prove to ‘em beauty’s in the eye a the beholder but stupidity goes clear to the bone.”
Modene smiled, the first one Vista had seen from her all day.
“Oh, an’ Modene that thing about seniors ain’t true.” Vista hauled herself up on her crutches and hobbled toward the office. “I was a senior when I won.” She tossed over her shoulder as she headed towards her destination.
She had to stop a moment before she could throw open the office door. Bernadine Cunningham, as usual sat behind the desk. She looked at Vista and smiled.
“Is Coach Cheeseman still in his office?” Vista asked.
Bernadine got a worried look on her usually happy face and nodded her head. “I wouldn’t disturb them. Arzella Tater and Vida Leigh’s in thar, too. Cain’t be pretty.”
Vista smiled and headed her crutches to the door. “You might wanna take a break, Bernadine. Ugly is about ta have a nuclear meltdown.”
“Uh…”
“You was warned.” Vista didn’t bother to knock. She threw open the office door and walked right in.
Arzella Tater spun her head around. “We’re busy.”
Mac Moretz sat behind the desk with the nameplate that said principal. “Vista Kay, this probably isn’t a good time.” He looked to be discreetly trying to find some holy water.
“Ya’ll discussing the Miss JCHS Pageant?” She smiled sweetly.
“Yes.” Vida Leigh shouted in a tone she’d gun down anyone using in her library.
“So you gots no business in here, Vista Kay.” Arzella spewed. “Leave!”
Vista turned her body awkwardly and firmly closed the door behind her. “As the only former Miss Johnson County High School in this room, I’ve got more business bein’ here than any one of you.”
She noticed the happy twinkle in her ex-husband’s eye as she helped herself to a chair.
“Listen, missy…” Vida Leigh took a step toward her.
“Vida.” Mac cut her off. “She’s right. Vista and her sister are both former winners. She deserves to know what’s going on.”
“Oh, Mac. I pretty much know what’s going on. Now what are we gonna do about it?”
“I’m not sure what we can do.” Coach Cheeseman finally spoke up.
“I keep a tellin’ ya. Nobody’s gonna care if my daughter’s the winner.” Arzella huffed. “Let me run it as usual an’ ever thing will be wonnerful. No one would dare believe it’s a big joke with me in charge agin this year.” She smirked.
“Watcha gonna do Arzella, let yer daughter have a one woman show and then hand ‘er the crown?” Vida put her hands on her hips. “If Marcella’s in, then yer out. I’ve been a dyin’ to change that blasphemous heathen parade inta somethin’ fer the glory a the Lord.”
“Interesting.” Vista said. “You’d make changes, I’m assuming.”
“A course.” Vida crossed her arms and looked down her nose. “Nobody ain’t got no talent so that goes, an’ most a the girls is poor so no ev’nin gown.”
“What just have ‘em come out in jeans and hold yer hand over their head to measure applause?” Vista tried not to ask too sarcastically.
“Don’ be stupid, Vista Kay.” Vida harumphed. “It’s a beauty pageant. Have the girl’s come out in swimsuits and recite their favert Bible verse. The five best has a Bible drill until theys only one left. Miss JCHS will fin’ly be the girl wif the best morals.”
“…and the nicest hooters.” Vista smirked.
“Look, the bottom line here is…” Mac Moretz had to admit. “if Unita can only get one girl to be in this thing, I have no choice but to cancel or open it up to any girl who wants to be in it.”
“Any girl?” Arzella sputtered. “But it’s always only been open ta girls voted in by their homerooms. It’s tradition!”
“It’s better then having one girl compete against herself.” Vida smiled and crossed her arms.
“And she’d still prob’ly loose.” Unita Cheeseman said quietly for only Vista to hear.
“Well, Mac, ya don’t got to do neither.” Vista announced. “As of right now ya got five contestants and by this time tomorrow you’ll have more.”
“Five?” Unita Cheeseman turned to look at Vista’s face as she nodded and smiled.
“Modene, Louie Kirk, Lou Lee Eller and Virginia Alexander have all just committed to bein’ in the pageant an’ they’s gonna talk to all the other girls on the list and try ta get more.” Vista confirmed.
“Louie Kirk?” Arzella half laughed and half squealed. “Marcella’s still gonna win.”
“Maybe, Arzella, but if Marcella’s still in…” Mac said.
“Of course, she’s still in.” Arzella scoffed.
“Then your out.” Mac smiled triumphantly.
Vista leaned forward. “And Miz Leigh, that means yer out, too.”
“Me?” The librarian demanded. “Why me?”
Vista turned to Arzella. “Unless you dropped that restraining order Arzella, Miss Leigh still cain’t come within a hunnerd feet of Marcella. Am I right?”
Vida Leigh turned violet in anger. “I did not touch yer precious little girl, Arzella.”
“You tried ta perform an exorcism on ‘er!” She yelled back. “My poor baby still cain’t take a bath without passin’ out first.”
“That settles it then.” Mac Moretz smiled in relief. “The pageant is still on, but the two of you will have to settle for being on the sidelines.”
“Fine.” Arzella said, Vista swore through her flaring nostrils. “But whose gonna put on this pageant then? It hasta be someone connected with the school if yer gonna stick to the rules.”
“Why, Unita here.” Vista put her hand on the Coach’s shoulder.
“Coach Cheesy?” Vida Leigh almost laughed. “It’s a beauty pageant not a innermural!”
“I’ll have you know I was second runner up three years in a row in Miss Oklahoma.” Unita smiled. “I don’t know how that happens, second three years in a row. You’d think I’d go up or down, but nooooo...always second runner up…but I’m not bitter.”
“There.” Vista grinned. “An’ me and Vonda Kay will help out.”
Arzella grinned and leaned forward. “But ever body knows Modene’s yer niece. What’s the differ’nce in you sponsorin’ and me sponsorin’.”
“She's my niece too, Arzella.” Mac put his foot down. “This is Johnson County, Tennessee. Like it er not every body’s related some how to every body else. I doubt anyone would think twice about any kind of wrong doing if Modene won.”
Vista stepped in. “An’ Arzella you done such a good job the past few years, you deserve a break. Just concentrate on workin’ one on one with Marcella. Let this be a mother ‘n’ daughter project. Next year, the pageant’s all yours agin.”
“Well, it would be nice to not hafta worry about the other girls a fallin’ off the runway.” She thought out loud.
“No body blames you for Stella Coopley’s mishap last year.” Coach Cheeseman assured her. “She told us she was blind as a bat without her glasses. We just didn't listen.”
“I think she jes’ wanted ta sing that nasty song sprawled cross the top a the piano like a whore.” Vida Leigh seethed.
The office filled with music. The librarian grabbed the crucifix around her neck and braced herself screaming, “Satan get thee behind me!”
“Oh relax, Vida.” Vista reached in her pocket. “That’s just m’ringtone.”
“Dark Shadows Theme?” Coah Cheesy asked as Vista looked at her Iphone.
“It was our song.” Mac Moretz smiled.
“’Splains a lot don’t it?” Vista looked at Unita and giggled. “’Scuse me, it’s Modene.”
Vista pressed a number of buttons. “Up to seven, Inez Curd and Effie Rose Fickus are in.”
Arzella Tater grabbed a fist full of air and yanked it in barely controlled triumph. “Yes! Marcella’s still the winner.”
“I don’ know, Arzella.” Vida Leigh sneered. “That Effie Rose has the voice of a angel.”
“And the face of week old road kill.” Arzella shot back.
Mac Moretz stood from behind his desk. “Well, Mrs. Leigh, Mrs. Tater I thank you for volunteering but it looks as though your services are not needed this year. We’ll go it alone from here.”
“Fine.” Vida Leigh’s thin lips disappeared in her face. “Have yer hootchie coo slut fest an’ not include the Lord. Com’on Arzella, the new Midnight Globe is in m’mailbox by now.”
The two ladies turned their noses up and headed for the door.
“Arzella?” Vista remembered. “The pageant girls er all comin’ ta my house fer dinner. Tell Marcella she’s invited.”
“What fer?” Arzella sniffed.
“We’re gonna discuss the pageant an’ how we can all help each other to make it sumpthin special.”
“My Marcella, don’t need no help Vista Kay.” Arzella raised one eyebrow. “She’s gonna win.”
“But, I thought…”
“Back off.” The woman snapped. “We got all the help we want er need. Jes tell Marcella where to walk ta git her roses an’ crown.” With that she and the Librarian we gone.
“Speaking of roses.” Mac Moretz cleared his throat when the door was finally closed. “There’s not a whole lot of money to do this with.”
“Budget cuts off course.” Coach Cheesy tried to smile.
“How much?” Vista was almost afraid to ask.
“Fifty bucks.” Mac was embarrassed. “I don’t know how the board expects a big fiftieth pageant with fifty bucks, but at least there’s no rental for the auditorium and we always use the same crown.”
Vista beamed. “Don’t worry Mac, jus’ leave that all to me. Now, Unita, my house for dinner?”
“I’ll be there. What can I bring?”
“Just yerself. Now I got some phone calls ta make.” Vista stood and grabbed her crutches. “Mac, I’m gonna be askin around fer donations and volunteers. I assume it’s alright that I use yer name and the schools?”
“Anything you need.” He assured her.
“I’ll let you know.” She got her balance as she stood. “It’s a shame them boys on the football team thought they could get away with somethin’ like this.”
Mac nodded his head. “I didn’t know anything until it was too late, but I’ll be handing out some discipline they’ll never forget.”
“Oh Mac.” Vista smiled. “I’m thinkin’ maybe you should let it slide. Act like nobody knows what went on.”
Unita Cheeseman’s jaw dropped. “Act like nothin’…? Miss Moretz, those foul little…”
Mac put up his hand to cut her off. “Unita, I’m going to take care of this.”
Vista turned to her ex. “No, Mac, let the girl’s take care of it. The longer those boys think they’re getting’ away with it the better. Believe me, the Miss Dog and Gunny Sack Pageant is gonna be a night no body is ever gonna fergit!”
Modene looked up at her aunt and smiled. “Sure. There’s always room for you.” She scooted her chair a little to make room at the round for her.
Vista stuck her straw in the milk carton. “This is so much fun fer me. I haven’t been to school in ages.” She took a slurp.
“So yer enjoyin’ bein’ a substitute?” One of the other girls at the table asked.
“Oh yes.” Vista looked at her tray. “I was so bored sittin’ around the house with m’leg up. I was surprised they asked me.”
“Well, it makes perfect sense.” Modene said playing with her French fries. “Get a real writer to teach the journalism class. I think you should do it all the time.”
“Aw thanks, honey.” Vista smiled. “But I’m only here ‘til Miss Trayer comes back. It should only be a few weeks before she gets that Visa mess straightened out.”
“How did she end up in Slovenia anyways?” Modene asked.
“I’m not really sure, darlin’, but just stand warned never to sign up for a singles website on Facebook.” Vista took a bite of meatloaf. “Now what was you girls talkin’ about afore the nasty ol’ teacher sat down with ye?”
“Nothin.’” The morose figure directly in front of her sighed. It took Vista a minute before she realized it was a young girl and another to remember who she was.
“Louie Kirk.” Vista put on a wide grin. “It’s a pleasure ta meet you. I have read all about you in the Tomahawk.”
“Thank ye, ma’am.” The girl smiled.
“Imagine bein’ on the All-State Basketball and Volleyball teams an’ just a Junior?” Vista was so proud of her. “You are doin’ our little county sa proud.”
Louie blushed and went back to her meatloaf. Vista looked around the quiet table. “Should I move to the teacher’s room? I feel like I just sat down in the middle of ya’lls plot to overthrow Libya.”
“No, Aunt Vista, yer fine.” Modene looked up and assured her.
“Good.” She smiled. “That little room they want us ta eat in makes me feel like one a them giraffes at the Knoxville Zoo. I keep expectin’ someone to knock on the glass and tease me with a head a’ lettuce.” None of the girls cracked a smile. “Are ya’ll sure now?”
“Believe me,” Modene said half looking up from her lunch tray. “Nobody at this table was about to hold hands and sing Kumbya”.
“Obviously they is somethin’ wrong. You wanna talk about it?”
“No.” Louis Kirk made that very clear.
“Okay, honey. Don’t bite m’ head off.” Vista smiled.
“I’m sorry ma’am.” Louie looked up sincerely. “We’s all jest in a foul mood. Ain’t been a good day fer none of us.”
Vista nodded her head and shifted around a little. “It’s okay, Louie. I understand all about bad days. Sometimes it’s good to jest sit around with yer best girlfriends and all be miserable together.”
“Reckon that’s what we’re a doin’.” Modene said quietly.
“Well, don’t make me the only happy cluck in the henhouse. Tell me what’s goin’ on so I can kick the fire outta the cat when I get home, too.”
“Oh, good, four of you at once.” A voice came behind Vista’s shoulders.
Louie looked up from her plate at whoever was behind Vista Kay. “If you wanna talk about what I think you wanna talk about, let me jes’ say fer all of us at this table…drop dead!”
“Louie!” Vista was shocked.
A third girl, a timid little mouse looked up. “I kin speak fer m’self, Louie Kirk.” The tiny little girl looked at the figure behind Vista and was vehement. “Why don’t you go f….”
“Honey!” Vista dropped her fork on the floor. “You kiss yer mother with that mouth?”
“I’d rather do that than be in enny stupid ole beauty pageant!” She said huffing and folding her arms across her chest.
“Is that what this is all about?” Vista asked.
Modene rolled her eyes and nodded her head. It took a moment to maneuver her body around, the cast on her foot making it difficult. She turned around to see Unita Cheeseman, the girl’s phys ed coach, standing behind her perplexed.
“Girls, you should be honored.” The woman said. “Your homerooms voted you to represent them.”
Louie Kirk squinted her eyes at the woman. “No they didn’t, and we all know it. Jest go away Coach Cheesy.”
Vista turned back to the girls. “Oh, that’s excitin’! All four of ya got voted in?”
“Every one of them.” Coach Cheesy said. “We’re gonna start rehearsals next week. I’m hopin’ all four of you will participate.”
“No thanks.” Modene managed to smile before rolling her eyes and stabbing a blob of meatloaf with a fork.
“But why?” Vista tried to encourage the morose quartet. “It’ll be so much fun! It’s the fiftieth year ain’t it? They’s bound to be a real big ta do. Ya’ll be a part a history.”
There was no response from the girls. They continued to poke forks at the meat loaf and French fries. Vista turned to Coach Cheeseman who just shrugged her shoulders. Vista put her own fork down and turned back to the girls.
“Now I know it ain’t ever girl’s dream to be in a beauty pageant but ya’ll are actin’ like ya just got voted to be given a las’ wish an’ shot at sunrise”.
“Might as well be…” The mousey one said quietly.
“What’s goin’ on here?” Vista asked. “Is there somethin’ I don’t know about?”
Modene looked up from playing with her food a moment. “Look at the list Aunt Vista.”
“What?”
“That’s the list a girls voted to be in Miss JCHS you got in yer hand ain't it, Coach Cheesy?” When the coach nodded her head guilty, Modene told her. “Let Aunt Vista see it.”
The petite little woman sighed and handed the folder to Vista. Vista let out a little giggle as she opened the folder. “Just think, one a the lucky young ladies on this list is gonna be the fiftieth…oh my…”
Vista looked up at Coach Cheesemen and back down at the list. She plastered a smile on and turned back to the girls. “It’s hard to pick a winner. It’ll be some pageant.”
“Oh yeah…” Modene slurped her milk.
Turning back to the list, Vista scanned it. “Look, Marcella Tater…and you girls…”
“Kind of a surprise list, ain’t it Auntie?”
“Well…” Vista closed the folder and put it in the center of the round. “I have to admit I’m a little surprised Ruth Ann or Ann Bliss aren’t on that list, but they’re in the same homeroom, prob’ly canceled each other out this year.”
“Look at who got chosen over ‘em.” Modene glared.
Vista picked back up the folder. “Let’s see, they’re in Miz Brookshire’s homeroom…” Her eyes scanned down the page. “Oh yes, Donnette Cornwall. Why she’s…umm…”
Louie Kirk looked at her. “Let’s just say she’s in special ed, and leave it at that.”
“…and a wheel chair.” The mousey one spoke up and trailed off.
Coach Cheeseman pulled a chair from the next table and sat down defeated. “Okay girls, I’m beggin’ for some help here. We all know what went on, and so far the only girl in the pageant is Marcella Tater. I get no more girls and she wins by default.”
“By default?” Vista was shocked. “Surely a number of these girls are gonna participate.”
The four at the round all looked Vista in the eye and shook their heads.
“Of course they are, this is such an honor.” Vista struggled for the right encouragement. “It’s…its tradition. You know how much we inbred rednecks love country music, shootin' stuff and tradition.”
“None of us are gonna be in that stupid pageant, Auntie. That’s final.” Modene slammed her fork down in the mess she’d made of her lunch.
“But why?”
“You’ve seen that list.” The mousey girl said.
“Yes, I have.” Vista opened it back up. “And ever’ one of these girls would make a fine Miss JCHS.”
“Well, looks like ol’ Marcella Tater’s gonna win by default.” Louie said. “Ain’t no one else on that list ever gonna be in that pageant. We’ve all got more respect for ourselves ‘en that.”
Vista started to argue, but Coach Cheeseman put her hand on Vista’s about to flail arm. “Miz Moretz, they’re right.”
“What?”
Modene turned to her aunt. “The football team decided it would be fun to make the big pageant this year a…what did they call it?”
“A dog and gunny sack parade.” Louie didn’t look up from the pile of ketchup she was drawing a circle in.
“They kinda made sure in every home room, the girl voted in was one people made fun of er they thought was the ugliest in the class.” Modene admitted. “Even if some of ‘em wanted to be in that pageant, Auntie, they’s so poor they kin barely afford what few clothes they wear ta school.”
“That’s jest awful.” Vista finally understood. “Why would them boys do that?”
“They thought it would be funny.” The mousey one piped up.
The intercom interrupted the sudden quiet. “Coach Cheeseman come to the office please. Coach Cheeseman come to the office.”
The coach looked at Vista as she picked up her folder. “Wanna bet that’s the firing squad?”
Vista smiled at the young woman. “Goo’luck.” As she got up to head toward the office, Vista added. “Let me know if I kin help.”
The table watched the defeated woman head toward the office. Coach Cheeseman was usually so perky and energetic. It was easy to see, she’d lost this game and had given up any chance of a last minute rebound.
“I never thought I’d see the day, girls.” Vista admitted. “I am at a total loss fer words.”
A chubby little girl with six or seven unnatural colors in her hair appeared at the table and looked on them. “Hi, girls!”
Modene rolled her eyes. “Hi, Marcella.”
“I jes’ wanted you all ta know that I’m gonna be the next Miss JCHS. My mama ‘n I already bought my gown from Target, an’ Erma Plotkin is gonna be here ta do my hair ‘n make up personal.” She put her hands on her ample hips. “An’ my talent is spactac’lar. It’s gonna blow this Podunk town wide open!” She sneered.
Lou Lee Eller, the fourth until now silent one at the table, looked Marcella Tater in the eye. “Does it include puttin’ on yer knee pads and given yer neck and jaw muscles a workout?”
Marcella Tater squinted her eyes. “That’s sa’ funny I fergot to laugh. I look forward to whippin’ yer hiney and when I do I’m gonna make you bend over and kiss my royal…”
“Marcella Tater!” Vista stepped in. “I have heard enough. You spoke yer mind, now run along.”
“Fine.” She hadn’t realized an adult was at the table. “I apol’gize Mizz Moretz. These girls has teased me all my life, an’ I guess I let the devil git to me. You know how the devil steps in when the Lord finally sits ya on the right track.”
Vista squeezed a tight smile on her face and nodded as the girl swished away. As soon as Marcella was out of sight, Vista turned back to the table and slapped her hands on the Formica surface. “You girls gonna let that little stuck up snot get away with this?”
“What kin we do, Miz Moretz?” The mousey one sighed.
“I’m sorry, what’s yer name honey?”
“Virginia, Virginia Alexander, but ever body calls me Mousey.” She smiled.
“Well, Mousey, It’s nice to meet ya, and I’ll tell ya exactly what you kin do.” Vista leaned in. “Forgive my language, but you kin be in that pageant and whip that little slut’s ass.”
“Ain’t gonna do it.” Louie was firm.
“You wanna let that thang treat you like loser afore ya even tried ta prove yerself?”
“First of all, we ain’t got no chance.” Lou Lee snorted. “And secon’ of all, the school’s just gonna howl and cat call ever time we walk on stage.”
“Who says?” Vista was equally vehement.
“Look at us, Miz Moretz.” Mousey was almost in tears. “Speakin’ fer m’self, I gots a figure like a prayin’ mantis wif the legs ripped off.”
Vista smiled. “Honey child, that’s what God made chicken cutlets fer.” The table giggled. “Ev’ry one a you girls has a chance ta win this thing. All ya got to do is do it.”
Louie Kirk shook her head and put down her fork. “Miz Moretz, I ‘preciate the encourg’ment, really I do. Yer right Lou Lee, Mousey and ‘specially Modene would have a real shot, but me…I ain’t gonna ‘embar’ss m’self.”
“Now why would you think that?” Vista asked.
“Com’on, be honest.” Louie sat back in her hard plastic chair and folded her arms. “I’m surprised the kids in m’homeroom even 'membered I was a girl.”
Vista bit the inside of her mouth. “Honestly? I dint say it wuddn’t gonna take some work, but we can do this.” She reached across the table and took Louie’s chin in her hand. “Honey, inside of everyone there’s a little bit of beautiful. You believe that and I bet we can make everyone see just how beautiful you are on the outside, too.”
“No disrespect, Auntie, but why should we?” Modene looked at her Aunt. “It ain’t no honor this year. We all been branded with a Scarlet Letter only the modern version with a big ol’ ‘L’ stomped on our foreheads.”
“High school is hard ‘nuff bein’ on the bottom tier.” Mousey agreed with Modene. “All the girls in this years pageant, fiftieth er no, is gonna wind up in a special bottom a the barrel section.”
“We’d jest be jest tellin people to ta humiliate ‘n’ tease us...in front of ar kinfolk!” Lou Lee admitted.
Vista Kay Moretz knew they were right. She hadn’t been in high school for a long time. It was tough for the kids who weren’t popular or rich, and somehow in 2011, the popular and rich had created a whole new way to publicly bully and get away with it. But she would not be swayed.
“There’s got ta be a way to turn this all around girls.”
“’Less you can find us all a fairy godmother and a whole punkin patch it ain’t never hap’nin’”. Mousey frowned.
But that statement made Vista smile. “If they was a way to not make this pageant a dog ‘n’ gunny sack parade would ya’ll be willin’ ta do it?”
The girls looked at each other and shrugged. “Good.” Vista beamed. “I got an idea. You talk to ever girl on that list. Tell ‘em not ta worry about money fer dresses, er bein’ teased. We’re gonna turn this sucker around.”
Mousey brightened up. “You promise Miz Moretz?”
“I not only promise, I guarantee.” Vista took the girls hand. “Now you have ever girl interested in makin’ the football team eat crow outta their protective cups with Marcella Tater servin humble pie come ta my house tonight fer dinner. We gots lots a work to do.”
Vista pushed herself back from the round and reached for her crutches. Modene grabbed her arm. “But Auntie, me ‘n’ Lou Lee’s seniors. Seniors never win.”
“Aw honey, this year it ain’t about winnin’ the crown it’s about steppin’ on all them tongues that are gonna drop to the floor when we prove to ‘em beauty’s in the eye a the beholder but stupidity goes clear to the bone.”
Modene smiled, the first one Vista had seen from her all day.
“Oh, an’ Modene that thing about seniors ain’t true.” Vista hauled herself up on her crutches and hobbled toward the office. “I was a senior when I won.” She tossed over her shoulder as she headed towards her destination.
She had to stop a moment before she could throw open the office door. Bernadine Cunningham, as usual sat behind the desk. She looked at Vista and smiled.
“Is Coach Cheeseman still in his office?” Vista asked.
Bernadine got a worried look on her usually happy face and nodded her head. “I wouldn’t disturb them. Arzella Tater and Vida Leigh’s in thar, too. Cain’t be pretty.”
Vista smiled and headed her crutches to the door. “You might wanna take a break, Bernadine. Ugly is about ta have a nuclear meltdown.”
“Uh…”
“You was warned.” Vista didn’t bother to knock. She threw open the office door and walked right in.
Arzella Tater spun her head around. “We’re busy.”
Mac Moretz sat behind the desk with the nameplate that said principal. “Vista Kay, this probably isn’t a good time.” He looked to be discreetly trying to find some holy water.
“Ya’ll discussing the Miss JCHS Pageant?” She smiled sweetly.
“Yes.” Vida Leigh shouted in a tone she’d gun down anyone using in her library.
“So you gots no business in here, Vista Kay.” Arzella spewed. “Leave!”
Vista turned her body awkwardly and firmly closed the door behind her. “As the only former Miss Johnson County High School in this room, I’ve got more business bein’ here than any one of you.”
She noticed the happy twinkle in her ex-husband’s eye as she helped herself to a chair.
“Listen, missy…” Vida Leigh took a step toward her.
“Vida.” Mac cut her off. “She’s right. Vista and her sister are both former winners. She deserves to know what’s going on.”
“Oh, Mac. I pretty much know what’s going on. Now what are we gonna do about it?”
“I’m not sure what we can do.” Coach Cheeseman finally spoke up.
“I keep a tellin’ ya. Nobody’s gonna care if my daughter’s the winner.” Arzella huffed. “Let me run it as usual an’ ever thing will be wonnerful. No one would dare believe it’s a big joke with me in charge agin this year.” She smirked.
“Watcha gonna do Arzella, let yer daughter have a one woman show and then hand ‘er the crown?” Vida put her hands on her hips. “If Marcella’s in, then yer out. I’ve been a dyin’ to change that blasphemous heathen parade inta somethin’ fer the glory a the Lord.”
“Interesting.” Vista said. “You’d make changes, I’m assuming.”
“A course.” Vida crossed her arms and looked down her nose. “Nobody ain’t got no talent so that goes, an’ most a the girls is poor so no ev’nin gown.”
“What just have ‘em come out in jeans and hold yer hand over their head to measure applause?” Vista tried not to ask too sarcastically.
“Don’ be stupid, Vista Kay.” Vida harumphed. “It’s a beauty pageant. Have the girl’s come out in swimsuits and recite their favert Bible verse. The five best has a Bible drill until theys only one left. Miss JCHS will fin’ly be the girl wif the best morals.”
“…and the nicest hooters.” Vista smirked.
“Look, the bottom line here is…” Mac Moretz had to admit. “if Unita can only get one girl to be in this thing, I have no choice but to cancel or open it up to any girl who wants to be in it.”
“Any girl?” Arzella sputtered. “But it’s always only been open ta girls voted in by their homerooms. It’s tradition!”
“It’s better then having one girl compete against herself.” Vida smiled and crossed her arms.
“And she’d still prob’ly loose.” Unita Cheeseman said quietly for only Vista to hear.
“Well, Mac, ya don’t got to do neither.” Vista announced. “As of right now ya got five contestants and by this time tomorrow you’ll have more.”
“Five?” Unita Cheeseman turned to look at Vista’s face as she nodded and smiled.
“Modene, Louie Kirk, Lou Lee Eller and Virginia Alexander have all just committed to bein’ in the pageant an’ they’s gonna talk to all the other girls on the list and try ta get more.” Vista confirmed.
“Louie Kirk?” Arzella half laughed and half squealed. “Marcella’s still gonna win.”
“Maybe, Arzella, but if Marcella’s still in…” Mac said.
“Of course, she’s still in.” Arzella scoffed.
“Then your out.” Mac smiled triumphantly.
Vista leaned forward. “And Miz Leigh, that means yer out, too.”
“Me?” The librarian demanded. “Why me?”
Vista turned to Arzella. “Unless you dropped that restraining order Arzella, Miss Leigh still cain’t come within a hunnerd feet of Marcella. Am I right?”
Vida Leigh turned violet in anger. “I did not touch yer precious little girl, Arzella.”
“You tried ta perform an exorcism on ‘er!” She yelled back. “My poor baby still cain’t take a bath without passin’ out first.”
“That settles it then.” Mac Moretz smiled in relief. “The pageant is still on, but the two of you will have to settle for being on the sidelines.”
“Fine.” Arzella said, Vista swore through her flaring nostrils. “But whose gonna put on this pageant then? It hasta be someone connected with the school if yer gonna stick to the rules.”
“Why, Unita here.” Vista put her hand on the Coach’s shoulder.
“Coach Cheesy?” Vida Leigh almost laughed. “It’s a beauty pageant not a innermural!”
“I’ll have you know I was second runner up three years in a row in Miss Oklahoma.” Unita smiled. “I don’t know how that happens, second three years in a row. You’d think I’d go up or down, but nooooo...always second runner up…but I’m not bitter.”
“There.” Vista grinned. “An’ me and Vonda Kay will help out.”
Arzella grinned and leaned forward. “But ever body knows Modene’s yer niece. What’s the differ’nce in you sponsorin’ and me sponsorin’.”
“She's my niece too, Arzella.” Mac put his foot down. “This is Johnson County, Tennessee. Like it er not every body’s related some how to every body else. I doubt anyone would think twice about any kind of wrong doing if Modene won.”
Vista stepped in. “An’ Arzella you done such a good job the past few years, you deserve a break. Just concentrate on workin’ one on one with Marcella. Let this be a mother ‘n’ daughter project. Next year, the pageant’s all yours agin.”
“Well, it would be nice to not hafta worry about the other girls a fallin’ off the runway.” She thought out loud.
“No body blames you for Stella Coopley’s mishap last year.” Coach Cheeseman assured her. “She told us she was blind as a bat without her glasses. We just didn't listen.”
“I think she jes’ wanted ta sing that nasty song sprawled cross the top a the piano like a whore.” Vida Leigh seethed.
The office filled with music. The librarian grabbed the crucifix around her neck and braced herself screaming, “Satan get thee behind me!”
“Oh relax, Vida.” Vista reached in her pocket. “That’s just m’ringtone.”
“Dark Shadows Theme?” Coah Cheesy asked as Vista looked at her Iphone.
“It was our song.” Mac Moretz smiled.
“’Splains a lot don’t it?” Vista looked at Unita and giggled. “’Scuse me, it’s Modene.”
Vista pressed a number of buttons. “Up to seven, Inez Curd and Effie Rose Fickus are in.”
Arzella Tater grabbed a fist full of air and yanked it in barely controlled triumph. “Yes! Marcella’s still the winner.”
“I don’ know, Arzella.” Vida Leigh sneered. “That Effie Rose has the voice of a angel.”
“And the face of week old road kill.” Arzella shot back.
Mac Moretz stood from behind his desk. “Well, Mrs. Leigh, Mrs. Tater I thank you for volunteering but it looks as though your services are not needed this year. We’ll go it alone from here.”
“Fine.” Vida Leigh’s thin lips disappeared in her face. “Have yer hootchie coo slut fest an’ not include the Lord. Com’on Arzella, the new Midnight Globe is in m’mailbox by now.”
The two ladies turned their noses up and headed for the door.
“Arzella?” Vista remembered. “The pageant girls er all comin’ ta my house fer dinner. Tell Marcella she’s invited.”
“What fer?” Arzella sniffed.
“We’re gonna discuss the pageant an’ how we can all help each other to make it sumpthin special.”
“My Marcella, don’t need no help Vista Kay.” Arzella raised one eyebrow. “She’s gonna win.”
“But, I thought…”
“Back off.” The woman snapped. “We got all the help we want er need. Jes tell Marcella where to walk ta git her roses an’ crown.” With that she and the Librarian we gone.
“Speaking of roses.” Mac Moretz cleared his throat when the door was finally closed. “There’s not a whole lot of money to do this with.”
“Budget cuts off course.” Coach Cheesy tried to smile.
“How much?” Vista was almost afraid to ask.
“Fifty bucks.” Mac was embarrassed. “I don’t know how the board expects a big fiftieth pageant with fifty bucks, but at least there’s no rental for the auditorium and we always use the same crown.”
Vista beamed. “Don’t worry Mac, jus’ leave that all to me. Now, Unita, my house for dinner?”
“I’ll be there. What can I bring?”
“Just yerself. Now I got some phone calls ta make.” Vista stood and grabbed her crutches. “Mac, I’m gonna be askin around fer donations and volunteers. I assume it’s alright that I use yer name and the schools?”
“Anything you need.” He assured her.
“I’ll let you know.” She got her balance as she stood. “It’s a shame them boys on the football team thought they could get away with somethin’ like this.”
Mac nodded his head. “I didn’t know anything until it was too late, but I’ll be handing out some discipline they’ll never forget.”
“Oh Mac.” Vista smiled. “I’m thinkin’ maybe you should let it slide. Act like nobody knows what went on.”
Unita Cheeseman’s jaw dropped. “Act like nothin’…? Miss Moretz, those foul little…”
Mac put up his hand to cut her off. “Unita, I’m going to take care of this.”
Vista turned to her ex. “No, Mac, let the girl’s take care of it. The longer those boys think they’re getting’ away with it the better. Believe me, the Miss Dog and Gunny Sack Pageant is gonna be a night no body is ever gonna fergit!”
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Episode #10: The Wizard of Salem
The nurse waddled across the floor, a Krispy Kreme in one hand and another half stuffed in her mouth. Ruby Acres had no trouble grabbing her.
“Excuse me, Nurse, but we’ve been here almost two hours. M’daughter’s still bleedin’.” She scowled.
The nurse huffed. “Has she passed out er died?”
“Well, no.”
“Let me know if she does, ‘specially the last un so we can mark her off the list. Can’t waste nobody’s time.” The nurse turned to disappear through a door.
She stood there a moment and watched the door swing shut, finally walking back over to Vista Kay sitting in a chair, holding yet another cloth to her bleeding foot. “Those people.” She huffed.
“It’s okay, Mama. I’m sure there are others ahead of me hurt a whole lot worse.”
“Worse?” The old woman plopped in the chair beside her. “Vista Kay, you can see the bone.”
“Don’t remind me, Mama.” Vista Kay held up her free hand. “I’m queasy enough as it is.”
Her mother brightened. “Do ya think yer gonna pass out? That’d get us in quicker.” Her daughter shot her a look then went back to putting pressure on her foot. “Could ya fake it? Squat down, hold yer breath and stand up real fast…”
“Mama, I am not gonna try an’ make m’self pass out just to get us in to see the doctor quicker. What’s yer hurry anyways? It’s not like either one of us has lots ta do other than clean up the mess I made.”
“I jest hates awaitin’.” She said. “If this was Salem Hospital, Doctor Dan would never make ya wait this long.”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t.” Vista rolled her eyes.
“He’s a good doctor.” Her mother thought out loud. “Too bad we cain’t see if he’s available.”
“Mama, I know you live fer ‘Days of Our Lives’, but let’s be honest, even if Daniel Jonas was a real person, I’m not sa sure that havin’ a crotch that enters the room ten seconds before he does makes him a good doctor.”
“Depends on what ya need fixin’.” Ruby Acres smiled. Vista couldn’t help herself, and laughed along with her.
“Is that seat taken?” A handsome middle-aged man with a bloody cloth pressed to his forehead asked.
Vista and her mother looked up. “Uhh…”
“Ya’ll look like your having a lot more fun than the people over there are.” He pointed to a group on the other side of the ER. “They’re throwing up, coughing and at least one needs a diaper change. Not exactly a lot of fun.”
“We’re just bleedin’ ta death quietly over here.” Vista smiled. “Have a seat.”
“Thank you.”
The old woman looked at him closely. “I know you.” She finally said.
“Yes, Mrs. Acres. I’m Thatcher Tate, the detective that was assigned to your…grandson’s case.”
“Right. Right.” She smiled. “Sorry. The purple forehead an’ the bloody nose threw me. You get in a fight?”
He smiled. “No ma’am, just a stupid accident.”
“Us, too.” She said. “Well, my daughter was stupid, not me.”
“Thanks, Mama.” Vista looked up from her foot. “I’m Vista Kay Moretz an’ this is my Mama, Ruby Acres.”
“Oh yes, I remember.” He said. “How could I forget?”
“I’m sure.” The old woman smiled. “I ain’t ever day a body gets accused a making a bail a hay out of a neighbor.”
“Even if Ronnie had done that, it would have been an accident.” Detective Tate said. “Unfortunately, whoever killed poor Myrtle Lewis did it quite deliberately and was almost successful at making it look like your Grandson had. Someone who probably knew his history…” the Detective explained.
“Well, that could be almost anyone in Johnson County.” Vista peeked at her foot and scrunched her face. “It’s hard to keep much quiet around here.”
“It just’sa mean that people won’t let poor Ronnie ferget sumpthin he did when he was fifteen. He fessed right up to it, an’ served his time.” Ruby Acres moaned. “He kilt that one man ten year ago. It ain’t like he spends his free time takin potshots at people going in an’ outta the Wal-Mart, whether they deserve it er not. An a ‘course nobody liked that man he kilt anyway.”
“There were extenuating circumstances. Ronnie was young, and what happened wasn’t planned, but you’re right, Mrs. Acres people should understand that although he did something terrible, he showed much more maturity and character than the victim simply by admitting to what happened and accepting the punishment.”
“I allus thought so.” The old woman smiled. “And you kin call me Maw Maw, ever body does.”
“Thank you.” He smiled. “Call me Thatch, all my friends do.”
“So Thatch. How’d ya bonk yer noggin’?”
“It’s embarrassing.”
“Can’t be that bad.” Maw Maw pointed at her daughter. “Vista saw a mouse and dropped a ten pound can a black olives she jus’ opened on her foot.”
“Mama!”
“I tell ya, she was a screaming at that critter, hoppin’ all over the kitchen a spurtin’ blood ever where.”
Vista looked up. “We left such a mess. I should call Brod, he’ll come home and think Ronnie parked the columbine on us in the kitchen.”
“Aw, he’ll probably jus’ think Arzella Tater dropped by and I kilt her.” Maw Maw turned to the detective and smiled. “Nobody likes her neither.” She laughed and put up her hands. “Afore ya scold me, Vista Kay. I done texted Ronnie.”
Vista Kay looked up from putting pressure on her foot. “You’ll have to forgive my Mama. She gets a little carried away sometimes.”
“No worries.”
“Honey…” Maw Maw took a hanky out of her purse and looked at Thatcher Tate. “Ya gots a little blood a dryin’ on yer cheek.” She spit on the hanky and rubbed the man’s cheek.
“He’s not six, Mama.” Vista scolded her.
“There, sept fer the swollen honker an’ a head that looks like broken carniv’l glass, yer all cleaned up.” Maw put the tissue back in her purse.
“Thank you.”
“What’ja do anyway?” Maw Maw had to ask again.
“He said it was embarassin’, Mama.” Vista chided. “Leave the poor man alone.”
“Actually, Mrs. Moretz. At least you had the excuse of a mouse for your accident. I brushed and spit and splat my head on the mirror over the sink. The last I remember as the ambulance driver was shutting the doors was the owner of the motel screaming ‘Who’s gonna pay for this? I not pay for this!”
“Yer a stayin at the Mountain Empire?” Maw Maw said.
“How’d you know?”
Vista looked up at him. “Fifty fifty shot detective. The only other place in the county is the Americourt and the owner is some company in cyber land.” Vista smiled.
“You’ve been here since afore Thanksgivin’. You been staying in a motel all this time?” Maw Maw asked.
“Well, yes, ma’am.” He answered. “The state’s covering the bill until I get this case solved.”
“Don’t cha miss yer fam’ly?” Maw Maw asked.
“Well, my little boy’s with me. I put him in the local school.”
“You got a little boy?” Vista smiled.
“Tucker. He’s six, first year of school. I couldn’t stand to have him start and me not be there.”
“And yer wife?” Maw Maw kept it up.
“She…uh…” Tate looked down. “She passed away a few years ago.”
“That’s sa sad.” Maw Maw put her hand on his forearm. “Vista Kay is dee-vorced.”
“Mama!”
“Well, ya are.” She whipped her head to her daughter.
“We are not at one a them speed datin’ things. Let the poor man bleed in peace.” Vista mumbled a little louder than she wanted to.
“Fine, Vista Kay. I’m just a makin’ conversation.” Maw Maw looked down at her daughter’s foot. “It don’ look like it’s a spurtin’ like it was.”
“Just dribbles now.” Vista looked at the towel. “I could use a new piece a gauze er something. I’m not for sure if I’m still a bleedin’ or just squeezin’ the juice out a this thing.”
“Let me see if I kin roust a nurse away from the donut cart.” Maw Maw stood up, taking a look a Thatcher’s forehead. “Looks like yer due a new’n, too. Let Maw Maw get some tails in gear. I’ll be right back.”
One with a hand on their forehead, the other with a hand on her foot watched they old woman walk off. Vista turned back to her foot. “Just let me bleed ta death now, Lord.”
“What did you say?”
“Nothin’” She smiled at the handsome man under the bloody rag. “I apologize for my mother. I keep usin’ the she’s 86 excuse but the truth is she’s about as subtle as a polecat in a blender.”
Thatcher Tate leaned in. “I know your secret.”
“Why do I get the feelin’ organ chords should be poppin’ up in the music score just about now?” Vista smiled. “I don’ have any secrets, Detective Tate.”
“Thatch.” He smiled. “And yes you do.”
“I’m an open book, detective…Thatch.”
“So if I stood up and announced ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, Darlene Reed!’ and pointed at you, no one in this room would be shocked?”
“Course not, yer bleedin’ with a concussion. They’d just assume you was out of your mind.” She giggled.
“Then you do have a secret.” He taunted her.
“I do not.” She insisted. “Every body pretty much knows I’ve done a little writing.”
“But they don’t know your nomme de plume, do they?” He smiled.
“Shh! Somebody’ll think your serious an’ I’ll never live it down.”
“Because it’s true.”
“You wanna another bonk and the head?” She asked him.
He smiled. “Seriously, does any one know?”
Vista sat up in the chair. “Mama and Brod, and stop actin’ like I’m some literary legend, Thatcher Tate, Southern fiction is hot these days.” She explained. “I got lucky, I’m a woman born and raised in Tennessee. That’s kind of like my eyes are blue.”
“Brown.” Thatcher Tate smiled. “Your eyes are brown.”
“Vista Moretz!” A woman with kittens in surgical masks on her scrubs bellowed.
“That’s me.” Vista stood.
“Vista Moretz!” She yelled, more impatiently this time.
“Coming!” Vista snapped back. She took a small hobble and the room started to spin.
“Vista Moretz, are you still here?” She heard someone spit.
She heard a voice she recognized yell, “She’s the one a passing out ya fool!”
Vista saw bright lights and colors. The temperature got very hot and then very cool. She felt someone grab her.
“Be careful Vista, honey. You’ll fall an’ break yer neck.”
Maw Maw came into focus, and Vista quickly grabbed her for support. “Ooh, I musta tripped on…” She looked around. The place was familiar but she couldn’t quite place it. “Where are we?”
“In Salem, a course.” Her mother pointed. “Look, it’s the Brady Pub! Let’s go have us a bowl a calm chowder.”
Before Vista could stop her, the old lady had dragged her in the door. The place was full. They stood in the door and looked for a table.
Maw Maw grabbed Vista’s elbow. “Look, Vista. Ain’t that Brady Black a sittin’ at the bar?”
“I’m not sure.” She tried not to stare. “I’m not used to seein’ him with his shirt on.”
“I’ll go ast him to take it off.” The old woman started to head right over.
Vista grabbed her by the skirt. “Mama, don’t you dare.”
“Ruby Acres!” A voice called from the other side of the pub. A stately woman rushed to Maw Maw and hugged her.
“Caroline Brady!” Maw Maw grinned as they patted each other on the back.
“Ruby it’s been too long!” She said holding the woman and smiling brightly.
“You two know each other?” Vista was shocked.
“Know each other?” Carolina looked at her. “We’ve been neighbors for years, Vista. Are you alright?”
Maw Maw pointed at her temple and made little circles. “Vista you remember Caroline Brady, don’cha? You dated her son Bo all through high school.”
“I did?”
Caroline nodded her head. “Of course then he met Hope, and then he met Carly…then Hope again…”
“An’ Billie…” Maw Maw chimed in. “…then back to Hope…then back to Carly.”
Vista Kay remembered. “Wasn’t there a Gina in there somewhere?”
“She turned out to be Hope, too. It’s a pattern.” Caroline shook her head. “We miss you around here Ruby. How have you been?”
“Aw, doin’ jes fine, Caroline.” Maw Maw smiled. “Say you still passin’ off Campbell’s Chunky as homemade?”
“Shhh!” She covered her laugh with her hand. “People will hear you.”
“We’ll have us a couple a bowls an’ a table if ya got ‘em.”
“Sure, Ruby. You and Vista come right over here.” Caroline ushered them to a table in the corner, where they could see the door. “Two bowls of clam chowder comin’ right up.”
“Soon as it calms down, Caroline, come an’ ketch up with us.” Maw Maw took a seat. “Well, sit Vista Kay. Don’t stand around like ya got no common sense. Sit!”
Vista did as she was told, but couldn’t help looking around. She felt a little strange and couldn’t quite figure out what was going on. She recognized so many people, and her mother seemed right at home.
A handsome man at the next table smiled at them and then returned to his brief case. Vista almost died of embarrassment when her mother reached across the table and smacked the man on the back of the head.
“Ow!” He said in a very definitive British accent.
“Elvis John Dimera!” Her mother snapped. “Shame on you!”
“Do I know you, Madam?” He said rubbing the back of his head.
“I swan.” She said. “Ever time I see you, I think a your sweet Mama, jest a shakin’ her head back and forth an’ sayin’ ‘Mean, mean, mean.’” The old woman picked a spoon up off the table and pointed it at him. “Somebody oughta turn you over their knee and give you a good spankin’”.
“I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He said.
“Mama,” Vista put her head in her hands, shielding her face from anyone who might notice. “You’re embarassin’ me.”
Ruby Acres kept right on. “Oh sure, you’re good lookin’ an’ all, but ya don’t take yer shirt off nearly enough…”
“I beg your pardon…” E.J. said.
“Ever body knows what you been a pullin’…” The old woman made little quotation marks in the air. “…all fer the sake of yer kids. Mean, mean, mean…”
E.J. squinted his eyes. “Did Samantha put you up to this?”
“P’shaw.” Ruby waved her hand at him. “Sami dint put me up ta nothin’ and you leave that poor girl alone.”
“She shot me in the head!” He whispered loudly.
Maw Maw leaned in close. “If’n ya ask me she shoulda aimed that gun about two feet lower. I’ma tellin’ you ta back off. She gots Rafe now. Sure he’s hotter’n Texas Pete on a japaleno pepper but he’s borin’ as hell. Ain’t that punishment enough? And makin’ a second one? Elvis John, two of ‘ems just inhumane.”
“Do I know you?” He scowled at her.
Vista turned around to face the man. “Mr. Dimera, please forgive my mother. She’s 86 years old, and tends to get a little carried away.”
“Don’t apol’gize fer me, Vista Kay. If I step on his toes, he’ll jes’ call his Daddy an’ cry like a baby.” Maw Maw crossed her arms and stared him down.
“Now look hear, Madam…”
“And what yer a doin’ to Nicole, I swan it’s just meaner’n a strip-ed snake in a box ExLax.”
“She faked a pregnancy, kidnapped my child and tried to pass the child off as her own!” He defended oh so aristocratically.
“Like you didn’t! Yer just embarrassed cause you was dumb enough ta fall fer it. You got to admit Elvis, you hit the jackpot at the two for the price of stupid on that one.” Maw Maw smiled. “Now makin’ her give up that hunky Brady Black…”
E.J. sat up straight. “Now see here…”
“No you see here…” Maw Maw spewed. “Makin her ditch him ta marry you just so she kin see those sweet li’l kids, and so you kin piss the bejesus outta Sami ‘n’ Rafe. Sometimes you kin jes make the Devil look like homecomin’ queen at a pity party.”
“Once again, Madam.” E.J. tried to return to his work. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”
“Once agin, in honor of yer dear sainted mother…” Maw Maw shook her head back and forth. “Mean, mean, mean!”
E.J. slammed his papers back down on the table. “You keep mentioning my mother. Do you know her?”
“Of course, I know’d yer mama.” Maw Maw smiled. “She twernt much ta look at, but she had a good heart.”
“You’ve seen her?” E.J. was suddenly just a little excited. “When?”
“Oh, at 12:30 ever onct an’ a while.” Ruby Acres looked at him. “Call Tom Casiello over at “The Young ‘n’ the Restless”. He kin hook you up.”
E.J. gathered up his papers, quickly stuffed them into his briefcase and dialed his cell phone. “Father, I need to speak with you immediately…”
Maw Maw grinned and waved as he headed for the door. “Told ya. Big baby.” She looked around the Pub. “Wonder where Caroline is with our chowder? Probab’ly had to run to the grocery store ‘n’ get s’more cans…here it comes.” She smiled at the young blond man coming to them with a tray.
“Mrs. Acres, Ms. Moretz my grandmother said to enjoy the chowder. She’s a little busy right now, but she’ll come out and chat when she has a chance.”
“She busy in the kitchen?” Maw Maw said as she looked hungrily at the bowl placed in front of her.
He shook his head. “On computer switching paternity tests.”
“Girl’s gotta have a hobby. Thank ye Will.”
“No problem, and she sent you these Irish coffees, as well.”
“Will?” Vista suddenly remembered. “How’s your little brother doin’?”
Will Horton smiled. “Much better. Thank you for asking.”
Maw Maw took a big slurp of her coffee. “I jes feel so bad, Little Johnny almost getting’ both his eyes poked out. It’s jest awful. Next thin’ ya know poor Allie will be getting that disease that bald Miss Delaware has. Did you watch Miss Americer?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Aw she was she sweet. She shoulda won.” She sipped her coffee again. “Mmm, Caroline makes these the way I like ‘em, light on the coffee, heavy on the Irish. You wanna sit a spell with us Will?”
“Oh thanks, but I have to go study with Gabby.” He said
“That’sa sweet.” Vista smiled at him. “Ya’ll study hard and have a good time.”
Before he turned away, Maw Maw grabbed his arm. “Will honey, afore ya run off I wanna teach ya a word that ‘parantly no one in Salem knows. Now repeats after me…con-dom….”
“Uhhh...” He said. “I have to go now.”
“Of course. Good seein’ you agin.” Vista nodded her head as Will Horton walked off with a strange look on his face.
“Touch-ee.” Maw Maw said. “I may need some more a this coffee, soon.”
A beautiful woman came to their table. “Maw Maw, Vista, I’m so glad you could meet me.” She took an empty seat and sat down.
“Carly, honey.” Maw Maw touched her hand. “Ya know alls ya gots to do is call.”
“Thank you.” She smiled.
Vista was having trouble wrapping her mind around all of this. “Carly Manning? You called us?”
“Well, yes. I called and said I needed to talk. You wanted me to meet you here. Did I misunderstand something?”
“No, no…I just…never mind.” Vista took another slug of her coffee.
“Now, sugar, what’s on yer mind?”
“What else?” Carly looked at Maw Maw.
“Bo Brady.” She said.
Carly nodded her head and tried to keep the tears back. “I don’t know what to do. Yes I do. I do know what to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier.”
“Face it, Carly. Bo an’ Hope are jes destined to be together…and break up…and get together agin.”
Vista looked at her. “Carly, I have to admit, that right now I’m more confused than Sarah Palin takin’ a grammar exam, but ya had to know when ya got involved with Bo Brady that it was always gonna end the way it did.”
“I know.” She held back a sigh and pushed the sugar dispenser around on the table a little bit.
“Face it.” Vista said firmly. “Getting involved with him was like watchin’ one of them Lifetime movies. As soon as ya turn it on you know by the end your gonna bawl your eyes out.”
“Mmm hmmm.” Maw Maw jumped right in. “When it’s over ya feel sa stupid fer getting involved in the first place, but at the same time you got what ya needed and it turns out it weren’t a silly waste a time after all.”
Carly looked up, forcing a little bit of a smile. “I needed him…and I think he needed me.”
“See?” Vista patted her hand. “It wasn’t a tragic waste a time. You had just come from that awful abusive marriage, and he was so hurt ‘n’ confused by the way Hope was a actin’. Who better to turn to than someone with a big heart and a lotta love to help ya heal and move on.”
“That’s the secret, Carly honey.” Maw Maw nodded. “Heal, now move on.”
“An’ you and Bo, it’ll be awkward fer a while, but yer always gonna be friends.” Vista Kay smiled as she looked at Carly. “That’s true love, the one that breaks your heart into a million pieces, but somehow is always there a rootin’ for ya to pick ‘em all up and put ‘em back together again.”
“You’re right, Vista Kay.” Carly smiled. “See I knew you’d know exactly what to say.”
“Now you buck up, Carly Manning.” Maw Maw shook her finger at her lovingly. “You’re jes’ fine. Ain’t no woman in this whole wide world needs a man to make ‘em whole.”
“There’s always been a man in my life.” Carly had to admit. “Somehow, I just don’t feel quite…what’s that awful cliché? Complete, I’ve always had to have a man in my life to feel complete.”
“Well, that’s just dumb.” Vista smiled. “Know what I need to feel complete? A good piece a cheesecake.”
“Cheesecake is good.” Maw Maw got that evil grin in her eyes. “But I has ta admit, a little beefcake ever once an’ a while don’ hurt.” She turned to the bar. “Hey Brady Black!”
“What?” The man turned around.
“It’s getting hot in here. Why don’tcha take yer shirt off?”
“Okay.” The man doffed his shirt, tossed it on the stool beside him and went back to his drink.
“That’s my problem.” Carly turned back to her friends after watching the show.
“You got the hots fer Brady Black?” Maw Maw whispered, hoping to get the scoop.
“Oh God no.” Carly slumped back in her chair. “Men, that’s my problem. All the men in this town are either married, in the closet or Roman Brady.”
“Well, if ya just have to have a man, Carly, why not start from scratch?” Vista said smiling at the young waitress as she brought them all more coffee.
“What have Stefano Dimera build me one?” Carly chuckled as she lifted the cup to her lips.
“Well, that’s always a possibility, but I recollect that never turns out well.” Vista nodded. “I was thinkin’ a younger man.” She leaned in and nodded toward the young good looking blonde boy/man on the other side of the pub.
Carly looked in the direction Vista nodded. Her eyes got big and she whipped her head back around. “Will Horton?”
“Oooh.” Maw Maw said swigging down her second coffee. “That’s a good idea.”
“He’s just seventeen!” Carly reminded them.
“So?” Maw Maw sat back. “Wait ‘til his eighteenth birthday, then grab him and screw him up yer way.”
The three ladies laughed. Maw took another swig of her coffee. “Carly honey, if nothin’ else…well jes remember “The Guiding Light”.
Carly thought a moment and one eyebrow crept up. “You know, for a self-centered booze hound, Nicole’s pretty hot.” Once again, the three women hooted.
Another jaw droppingly handsome man came in the door and grabbed their attention. He spotted them at the corner table and walked right over. “Carly, have you seen Melanie?”
“Daniel.” She said. “I’m sorry, but unfortunately I’m still not on our daughter’s list of people to check her schedule with.”
Vista put her hand on Carly’s wrist. “Honey, that’s gonna change, too. You just wait an’ see.”
Dr. Daniel Jonas smiled. “I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of meeting your lovely companions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Carly said. “These are two of my dearest old friends. This is Vista Kay Moretz…”
Vista put out her hand and looked up smiling. “Not that old. Nice to meet ya.”
“I love the accent. Is that Moretz or Mor-etz?” The doctor flirted.
“The one syllable is fine.” Vista smiled as he released her hand. “We ain’t uppity like the other half of the family.”
“And this is Ruby Acres.” Carly motioned to the old woman, whose mouth was hanging open, staring.
“Mama!” Vista Kay put her hand under her mother’s chin and lifted her stare from what was at her eye level to the man’s face. “Carly’s tryin’ to introduce you to Doctor Dan.”
“Oh, yes.” Maw Maw finally snapped back to focus on the man’s glittery eyes. “Nice ta meet ya. Call me Maw Maw, ever body does.”
“A pleasure to meet you, Maw Maw. May I join you ladies a moment?” He asked.
“Please.” Maw Maw kicked out the fourth chair with her foot and slurped her coffee. “Ya know Doctor Dan, I has ta admit I dint like ya much at all at first.”
“Excuse me?” He said as he sat himself down.
“Face it, when you first showed up in Salem, you was jest an erection wif a stethoscope.” She prattled.
“Mama!” Vista chided her, as Carly put her hand to her mouth and tried not to laugh too hard.
“Now I has ta admit, you an’ Nathan Horton do know how a woman likes ta see a man—wet an’ dressed in a towel.” Maw Maw looked in the air and mused. “Then sweet li’l Carly here come back ta town and ya’ll had the fuss wif Melanie, such a purdy purdy girl, and all that stuff wif Chloe and li’l Parker.”
“You know about Chloe and the baby?” He said.
“This is Salem.” Maw Maw said. “Ever body knows. An’ in all that mess ya showed ya gots a heart, a won’rful heart even bigger than Dan, Jr. there.” She pointed below the table. “And that’s sayin’ sumpin.”
“Law, Mama!” Vista turned bright red and pushed her coffee to the other side of the table. “I ain’t been this embarrassed since Vonda Kay farted the exact moment they crowned her Miss Mountain Electric!”
“I think Vonda coulda been Miss Tennessee if it twernt fer that.” Maw Maw thought out loud. “It’s hard ta fergit a gassy beauty queen, n’matter how hard ya try.”
The door to Brady pub slammed. “Ruby Acres!” Came the shout from across the room.
Maw Maw stood up straight and glared. “Vivian Alamain!”
“I thought I smelled Southern fried Ben Gay.” Vivian took a step toward the table.
“I cain’t smell as bad as you look, Vivian. Where you been, in a casket on a deserted island er sumpthin?” She put her hand to her mouth as she sat down. “Oh right, you have.”
“Don’t you mock me you old crone!” She spit.
“Don’t go there, Vivian.” Maw Maw warned. “I know yer birthdate an’ I ain’t a feared ta use it.”
“How dare you!” Vivian took another step toward the table.
“Vivian…” Carly stepped in. “Just go away. Nobody here needs or wants you around.”
“Carly Manning when I want your two cents worth I’ll ask a married man your sleeping with.” Vivian smiled.
“That’s enough!” Vista said, slapping her hands down on the table and pushing herself up. “Mama, no more Irish coffee for you.”
She turned to Vivian Alamain. “And you!”
“Me?” The woman seemed surprised.
“I have had it with you. I oughta do as Mama keeps a threatenin’ and turn you right over my knee and give you a good spankin’!”
“You go girl!” They all heard shirtless Brady Black encourage from the bar.
“You touch me, Vista Kay Acres Moretz, and I’ll have you arrested for assault and battery.”
Vista put her hands on her hips. “Do it. I dare ya. I’d use your legal name but quite frankly if I did that would mean I care enough to acknowledge your existence.”
“Why you little…”
“Quiet, I’m not finished.” Vista took a step towards Vivian and pointed at Carly Manning. “First you steal this woman’s baby and raise him behind her back.”
“She wasn’t ready to be a mother.” Vivian said.
Vista took another step closer. “Then you bury her alive.”
“She got out didn’t she?” Vivian took a step backward.
“Oh, I am just getting’ started. You’ve switched eggs, manipulated Chloe into tryin’ to kill her or you, and if that wasn’t enough you give Melanie a poison comb for her wedding? Vivian, that wasn’t just wacko it was down right stupid!”
“What was up wif ‘at, Ms. Alamain? Acme all outta anvils ta drop on her head?”
“That’s Countess Alamain, to you old crone.”
“Theys one too many ‘O’s in ‘at title if’n ya ask me.” Maw Maw took a sip from Vista’s cup.
“And to top it all off ya don’t even have the God given sense to pick a hair color. What is that red? Rust? Prime rib?”
“You think a bottle blonde Ellie Mae Clampett scares me?” Vivian shot back.
“Bottle blonde? Your darn lucky I don’t make you prove the drapes match the curtains!”
“You first.” Alamain sneered.
“That does it!” Vista grabbed Vivian by the arm
“Unhand me!” Vivian slapped at Vista’s grip. “Gus! Gus, where are you?”
“Have you tried lookin’ in the closet?” Maw Maw said.
“I’m gonna do something some one should have done a long time ago.” Vista dragged a struggling Vivian to the corner. She pointed. “Now stick your nose in there, and stand until you stop actin’ like you’re from the planet Bitch.”
“I will not be treated like a child.” Vivian tried to turn away from her head being shoved in the corner.
“Then stop acting like one.” Vista finally shoved the woman’s nose in the corner, kicking her in the rump to get her to stand there. The room cheered. “Now don’t move until I tell ya to.”
Resigned, Vivian Alamain rubbed her sore tushy and stood with her nose in the corner.
“And don’t get tons of makeup on the wall, Vivian. Caroline just painted.” Vista said over her shoulder as she strutted with pride back to her table.
Brady Black got off his stool, put his hands on the bar and looked at Vista over his shoulder with a wry smile. “I’ve been a baaaad boy. I need a spanking.”
“Ya couldn’t handle it, honey.” She smiled as she walked past and took her seat.
Carly Manning looked at Vista with pride and disbelief. “Can I give you Stefano Dimera’s number?”
“Well now that’s takin ker of…” Maw Maw looked at Daniel Jonas. “Ya know Doctor Dan, it’s getting’ awful hot in here, why don’t ya take your shirt off?”
“What?” The man choked out a smile.
“Come on, hot stuff. Let’s get a gander at them pecs.” Maw Maw slurred just a little.
“A think you’ve had a little too much Irish with your coffee.” The doctor blushed and pushed the old woman’s cup, again, out of her reach.
“Ya know, I been wonderin’…” Maw Maw looked at the man.
“Oh, here we go…” Vista looked for something to stop her mother from blurting out whatever was coming next.
“You gots sech a fine, fine chest, Doc…”
“Well, thank you.” Jonas was embarrassed, but flattered.
“Sometimes ya got this fine hairy chest, an’ other times it still looks fine but clean as a whistle. What’s up, chil’? You gots a chest like the clapper, wax on, wax off…is it a lightin’ problem or cain’t cha make up yer mind? Now I like a man wif a little hair on his…”
“Mama…I think that’s enough.” Vista warned, red faced, as the rest of the table tried to stifle giggles.
“I’m jest a sayin’.” Maw Maw defended herself.”
The door to the Brady pub flew open again. In rushed Nathan Horton, wearing an ugly shirt and carrying an armload of Jack-in-the-Box carry out bags. He rushed straight to the table in the corner.
“Have you seen Melanie?” He puffed out of breath.
“Nathan, what’s with all the hamburgers?” Daniel asked.
“And that shirt?” Carly had to add.
“It’s looks like ya got locked in Forrest Gump’s closet an’ couldn’t get out.” Maw Maw said.
“Oh.” Nathan smiled. “I got a commercial. I thought it might impress Melanie.”
“Nathan,” Vista said. “You gotta back off that girl, just a teensy bit.”
“But I love her, and I know she loves me.” He said.
“Sure, honey.” Vista smiled. “We all know that, but she’s so torn up right now. Just back off a bit, prove to her you’re the right man, the best man by just standin’ off to the side, just far enough outta sight so she still knows yer there, until she’s strong enough to be weak again.”
“Vista’s right, Nathan.” Carly nodded. “Give her some space. She’ll come around.”
“But I…” Nathan started to say. “I guess the Pandora Jeweler’s spot won’t work either.”
“I saw that.” Daniel piped up. “You were mackin’ on another chick in that one, dude. That never works; been there, done that…”
“Nathan Horton, you just calm down.” Maw Maw stood up, if a little wobbly, from the table. “You need a li’l distraction.”
“Distraction?”
“How ‘bout this?” Maw Maw put one hand behind Nathan’s head and one on his backside and pulled him into a kiss.
Nathan struggled a minute, then let go of the hamburgers and moved Maw Maw’s other hand to his butt.
Jack-in-the-Box rained down over the table, knocking coffee cups to the floor. Vista jumped up from the table to avoid splashing coffee and spilling hamburgers.
“Careful now.” She heard someone say as she slipped and fell backwards to the floor. The room started spinning. The air went hot and then cold.
“Vista?” She heard a familiar voice say.
“Ma’am? It’s okay, I’m a doctor.”
Vista opened her eyes. It took a moment to focus. She put her hand to her head. “Did I hit my head?”
“I don’ think so, honey.” Maw Maw was holding her hand. “But’cha passed out.” She leaned in closer. “Tol’ya it’d get us in here quicker.”
Vista sat up on the paper sheet. “Where am I?”
A man in a white smock flicked a pen light thing in her eyes. “You had a little accident and lost a little blood. Your in the emergency room.”
“I’m not in Salem?” Vista asked.
Maw Maw took her hand. “Course not, honey. Yer in Mountain City, whar we been almost ALL DAY.” She aimed at the doctor, who ignored her.
“Then we didn’t go to the Brady Pub?”
“You musta hit yer head, Vista. We been right here.”
Vista shook herself a little, and then winced as the doctor stuck a needle in her foot. She looked down at the gapping slash and back up. “I just slipped on a hamburger. How did that happen?”
“What?” Maw Maw had a look of concern on her face. “Vista Kay? What are you talkin’ about?”
“Never mind.” She said. “It must have been a dream. It was so real. You were there with me.”
“At the Brady Pub?” Vista nodded her head. “In Salem?”
“And Doctor Dan, and Carly Manning…”
“And my sweet little Nathan?” Maw Maw hoped.
“Yes, you and he were…never mind…oh Law! I dreamed of Vivian Alamain….”
“Excuse me, Nurse, but we’ve been here almost two hours. M’daughter’s still bleedin’.” She scowled.
The nurse huffed. “Has she passed out er died?”
“Well, no.”
“Let me know if she does, ‘specially the last un so we can mark her off the list. Can’t waste nobody’s time.” The nurse turned to disappear through a door.
She stood there a moment and watched the door swing shut, finally walking back over to Vista Kay sitting in a chair, holding yet another cloth to her bleeding foot. “Those people.” She huffed.
“It’s okay, Mama. I’m sure there are others ahead of me hurt a whole lot worse.”
“Worse?” The old woman plopped in the chair beside her. “Vista Kay, you can see the bone.”
“Don’t remind me, Mama.” Vista Kay held up her free hand. “I’m queasy enough as it is.”
Her mother brightened. “Do ya think yer gonna pass out? That’d get us in quicker.” Her daughter shot her a look then went back to putting pressure on her foot. “Could ya fake it? Squat down, hold yer breath and stand up real fast…”
“Mama, I am not gonna try an’ make m’self pass out just to get us in to see the doctor quicker. What’s yer hurry anyways? It’s not like either one of us has lots ta do other than clean up the mess I made.”
“I jest hates awaitin’.” She said. “If this was Salem Hospital, Doctor Dan would never make ya wait this long.”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t.” Vista rolled her eyes.
“He’s a good doctor.” Her mother thought out loud. “Too bad we cain’t see if he’s available.”
“Mama, I know you live fer ‘Days of Our Lives’, but let’s be honest, even if Daniel Jonas was a real person, I’m not sa sure that havin’ a crotch that enters the room ten seconds before he does makes him a good doctor.”
“Depends on what ya need fixin’.” Ruby Acres smiled. Vista couldn’t help herself, and laughed along with her.
“Is that seat taken?” A handsome middle-aged man with a bloody cloth pressed to his forehead asked.
Vista and her mother looked up. “Uhh…”
“Ya’ll look like your having a lot more fun than the people over there are.” He pointed to a group on the other side of the ER. “They’re throwing up, coughing and at least one needs a diaper change. Not exactly a lot of fun.”
“We’re just bleedin’ ta death quietly over here.” Vista smiled. “Have a seat.”
“Thank you.”
The old woman looked at him closely. “I know you.” She finally said.
“Yes, Mrs. Acres. I’m Thatcher Tate, the detective that was assigned to your…grandson’s case.”
“Right. Right.” She smiled. “Sorry. The purple forehead an’ the bloody nose threw me. You get in a fight?”
He smiled. “No ma’am, just a stupid accident.”
“Us, too.” She said. “Well, my daughter was stupid, not me.”
“Thanks, Mama.” Vista looked up from her foot. “I’m Vista Kay Moretz an’ this is my Mama, Ruby Acres.”
“Oh yes, I remember.” He said. “How could I forget?”
“I’m sure.” The old woman smiled. “I ain’t ever day a body gets accused a making a bail a hay out of a neighbor.”
“Even if Ronnie had done that, it would have been an accident.” Detective Tate said. “Unfortunately, whoever killed poor Myrtle Lewis did it quite deliberately and was almost successful at making it look like your Grandson had. Someone who probably knew his history…” the Detective explained.
“Well, that could be almost anyone in Johnson County.” Vista peeked at her foot and scrunched her face. “It’s hard to keep much quiet around here.”
“It just’sa mean that people won’t let poor Ronnie ferget sumpthin he did when he was fifteen. He fessed right up to it, an’ served his time.” Ruby Acres moaned. “He kilt that one man ten year ago. It ain’t like he spends his free time takin potshots at people going in an’ outta the Wal-Mart, whether they deserve it er not. An a ‘course nobody liked that man he kilt anyway.”
“There were extenuating circumstances. Ronnie was young, and what happened wasn’t planned, but you’re right, Mrs. Acres people should understand that although he did something terrible, he showed much more maturity and character than the victim simply by admitting to what happened and accepting the punishment.”
“I allus thought so.” The old woman smiled. “And you kin call me Maw Maw, ever body does.”
“Thank you.” He smiled. “Call me Thatch, all my friends do.”
“So Thatch. How’d ya bonk yer noggin’?”
“It’s embarrassing.”
“Can’t be that bad.” Maw Maw pointed at her daughter. “Vista saw a mouse and dropped a ten pound can a black olives she jus’ opened on her foot.”
“Mama!”
“I tell ya, she was a screaming at that critter, hoppin’ all over the kitchen a spurtin’ blood ever where.”
Vista looked up. “We left such a mess. I should call Brod, he’ll come home and think Ronnie parked the columbine on us in the kitchen.”
“Aw, he’ll probably jus’ think Arzella Tater dropped by and I kilt her.” Maw Maw turned to the detective and smiled. “Nobody likes her neither.” She laughed and put up her hands. “Afore ya scold me, Vista Kay. I done texted Ronnie.”
Vista Kay looked up from putting pressure on her foot. “You’ll have to forgive my Mama. She gets a little carried away sometimes.”
“No worries.”
“Honey…” Maw Maw took a hanky out of her purse and looked at Thatcher Tate. “Ya gots a little blood a dryin’ on yer cheek.” She spit on the hanky and rubbed the man’s cheek.
“He’s not six, Mama.” Vista scolded her.
“There, sept fer the swollen honker an’ a head that looks like broken carniv’l glass, yer all cleaned up.” Maw put the tissue back in her purse.
“Thank you.”
“What’ja do anyway?” Maw Maw had to ask again.
“He said it was embarassin’, Mama.” Vista chided. “Leave the poor man alone.”
“Actually, Mrs. Moretz. At least you had the excuse of a mouse for your accident. I brushed and spit and splat my head on the mirror over the sink. The last I remember as the ambulance driver was shutting the doors was the owner of the motel screaming ‘Who’s gonna pay for this? I not pay for this!”
“Yer a stayin at the Mountain Empire?” Maw Maw said.
“How’d you know?”
Vista looked up at him. “Fifty fifty shot detective. The only other place in the county is the Americourt and the owner is some company in cyber land.” Vista smiled.
“You’ve been here since afore Thanksgivin’. You been staying in a motel all this time?” Maw Maw asked.
“Well, yes, ma’am.” He answered. “The state’s covering the bill until I get this case solved.”
“Don’t cha miss yer fam’ly?” Maw Maw asked.
“Well, my little boy’s with me. I put him in the local school.”
“You got a little boy?” Vista smiled.
“Tucker. He’s six, first year of school. I couldn’t stand to have him start and me not be there.”
“And yer wife?” Maw Maw kept it up.
“She…uh…” Tate looked down. “She passed away a few years ago.”
“That’s sa sad.” Maw Maw put her hand on his forearm. “Vista Kay is dee-vorced.”
“Mama!”
“Well, ya are.” She whipped her head to her daughter.
“We are not at one a them speed datin’ things. Let the poor man bleed in peace.” Vista mumbled a little louder than she wanted to.
“Fine, Vista Kay. I’m just a makin’ conversation.” Maw Maw looked down at her daughter’s foot. “It don’ look like it’s a spurtin’ like it was.”
“Just dribbles now.” Vista looked at the towel. “I could use a new piece a gauze er something. I’m not for sure if I’m still a bleedin’ or just squeezin’ the juice out a this thing.”
“Let me see if I kin roust a nurse away from the donut cart.” Maw Maw stood up, taking a look a Thatcher’s forehead. “Looks like yer due a new’n, too. Let Maw Maw get some tails in gear. I’ll be right back.”
One with a hand on their forehead, the other with a hand on her foot watched they old woman walk off. Vista turned back to her foot. “Just let me bleed ta death now, Lord.”
“What did you say?”
“Nothin’” She smiled at the handsome man under the bloody rag. “I apologize for my mother. I keep usin’ the she’s 86 excuse but the truth is she’s about as subtle as a polecat in a blender.”
Thatcher Tate leaned in. “I know your secret.”
“Why do I get the feelin’ organ chords should be poppin’ up in the music score just about now?” Vista smiled. “I don’ have any secrets, Detective Tate.”
“Thatch.” He smiled. “And yes you do.”
“I’m an open book, detective…Thatch.”
“So if I stood up and announced ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, Darlene Reed!’ and pointed at you, no one in this room would be shocked?”
“Course not, yer bleedin’ with a concussion. They’d just assume you was out of your mind.” She giggled.
“Then you do have a secret.” He taunted her.
“I do not.” She insisted. “Every body pretty much knows I’ve done a little writing.”
“But they don’t know your nomme de plume, do they?” He smiled.
“Shh! Somebody’ll think your serious an’ I’ll never live it down.”
“Because it’s true.”
“You wanna another bonk and the head?” She asked him.
He smiled. “Seriously, does any one know?”
Vista sat up in the chair. “Mama and Brod, and stop actin’ like I’m some literary legend, Thatcher Tate, Southern fiction is hot these days.” She explained. “I got lucky, I’m a woman born and raised in Tennessee. That’s kind of like my eyes are blue.”
“Brown.” Thatcher Tate smiled. “Your eyes are brown.”
“Vista Moretz!” A woman with kittens in surgical masks on her scrubs bellowed.
“That’s me.” Vista stood.
“Vista Moretz!” She yelled, more impatiently this time.
“Coming!” Vista snapped back. She took a small hobble and the room started to spin.
“Vista Moretz, are you still here?” She heard someone spit.
She heard a voice she recognized yell, “She’s the one a passing out ya fool!”
Vista saw bright lights and colors. The temperature got very hot and then very cool. She felt someone grab her.
“Be careful Vista, honey. You’ll fall an’ break yer neck.”
Maw Maw came into focus, and Vista quickly grabbed her for support. “Ooh, I musta tripped on…” She looked around. The place was familiar but she couldn’t quite place it. “Where are we?”
“In Salem, a course.” Her mother pointed. “Look, it’s the Brady Pub! Let’s go have us a bowl a calm chowder.”
Before Vista could stop her, the old lady had dragged her in the door. The place was full. They stood in the door and looked for a table.
Maw Maw grabbed Vista’s elbow. “Look, Vista. Ain’t that Brady Black a sittin’ at the bar?”
“I’m not sure.” She tried not to stare. “I’m not used to seein’ him with his shirt on.”
“I’ll go ast him to take it off.” The old woman started to head right over.
Vista grabbed her by the skirt. “Mama, don’t you dare.”
“Ruby Acres!” A voice called from the other side of the pub. A stately woman rushed to Maw Maw and hugged her.
“Caroline Brady!” Maw Maw grinned as they patted each other on the back.
“Ruby it’s been too long!” She said holding the woman and smiling brightly.
“You two know each other?” Vista was shocked.
“Know each other?” Carolina looked at her. “We’ve been neighbors for years, Vista. Are you alright?”
Maw Maw pointed at her temple and made little circles. “Vista you remember Caroline Brady, don’cha? You dated her son Bo all through high school.”
“I did?”
Caroline nodded her head. “Of course then he met Hope, and then he met Carly…then Hope again…”
“An’ Billie…” Maw Maw chimed in. “…then back to Hope…then back to Carly.”
Vista Kay remembered. “Wasn’t there a Gina in there somewhere?”
“She turned out to be Hope, too. It’s a pattern.” Caroline shook her head. “We miss you around here Ruby. How have you been?”
“Aw, doin’ jes fine, Caroline.” Maw Maw smiled. “Say you still passin’ off Campbell’s Chunky as homemade?”
“Shhh!” She covered her laugh with her hand. “People will hear you.”
“We’ll have us a couple a bowls an’ a table if ya got ‘em.”
“Sure, Ruby. You and Vista come right over here.” Caroline ushered them to a table in the corner, where they could see the door. “Two bowls of clam chowder comin’ right up.”
“Soon as it calms down, Caroline, come an’ ketch up with us.” Maw Maw took a seat. “Well, sit Vista Kay. Don’t stand around like ya got no common sense. Sit!”
Vista did as she was told, but couldn’t help looking around. She felt a little strange and couldn’t quite figure out what was going on. She recognized so many people, and her mother seemed right at home.
A handsome man at the next table smiled at them and then returned to his brief case. Vista almost died of embarrassment when her mother reached across the table and smacked the man on the back of the head.
“Ow!” He said in a very definitive British accent.
“Elvis John Dimera!” Her mother snapped. “Shame on you!”
“Do I know you, Madam?” He said rubbing the back of his head.
“I swan.” She said. “Ever time I see you, I think a your sweet Mama, jest a shakin’ her head back and forth an’ sayin’ ‘Mean, mean, mean.’” The old woman picked a spoon up off the table and pointed it at him. “Somebody oughta turn you over their knee and give you a good spankin’”.
“I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He said.
“Mama,” Vista put her head in her hands, shielding her face from anyone who might notice. “You’re embarassin’ me.”
Ruby Acres kept right on. “Oh sure, you’re good lookin’ an’ all, but ya don’t take yer shirt off nearly enough…”
“I beg your pardon…” E.J. said.
“Ever body knows what you been a pullin’…” The old woman made little quotation marks in the air. “…all fer the sake of yer kids. Mean, mean, mean…”
E.J. squinted his eyes. “Did Samantha put you up to this?”
“P’shaw.” Ruby waved her hand at him. “Sami dint put me up ta nothin’ and you leave that poor girl alone.”
“She shot me in the head!” He whispered loudly.
Maw Maw leaned in close. “If’n ya ask me she shoulda aimed that gun about two feet lower. I’ma tellin’ you ta back off. She gots Rafe now. Sure he’s hotter’n Texas Pete on a japaleno pepper but he’s borin’ as hell. Ain’t that punishment enough? And makin’ a second one? Elvis John, two of ‘ems just inhumane.”
“Do I know you?” He scowled at her.
Vista turned around to face the man. “Mr. Dimera, please forgive my mother. She’s 86 years old, and tends to get a little carried away.”
“Don’t apol’gize fer me, Vista Kay. If I step on his toes, he’ll jes’ call his Daddy an’ cry like a baby.” Maw Maw crossed her arms and stared him down.
“Now look hear, Madam…”
“And what yer a doin’ to Nicole, I swan it’s just meaner’n a strip-ed snake in a box ExLax.”
“She faked a pregnancy, kidnapped my child and tried to pass the child off as her own!” He defended oh so aristocratically.
“Like you didn’t! Yer just embarrassed cause you was dumb enough ta fall fer it. You got to admit Elvis, you hit the jackpot at the two for the price of stupid on that one.” Maw Maw smiled. “Now makin’ her give up that hunky Brady Black…”
E.J. sat up straight. “Now see here…”
“No you see here…” Maw Maw spewed. “Makin her ditch him ta marry you just so she kin see those sweet li’l kids, and so you kin piss the bejesus outta Sami ‘n’ Rafe. Sometimes you kin jes make the Devil look like homecomin’ queen at a pity party.”
“Once again, Madam.” E.J. tried to return to his work. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”
“Once agin, in honor of yer dear sainted mother…” Maw Maw shook her head back and forth. “Mean, mean, mean!”
E.J. slammed his papers back down on the table. “You keep mentioning my mother. Do you know her?”
“Of course, I know’d yer mama.” Maw Maw smiled. “She twernt much ta look at, but she had a good heart.”
“You’ve seen her?” E.J. was suddenly just a little excited. “When?”
“Oh, at 12:30 ever onct an’ a while.” Ruby Acres looked at him. “Call Tom Casiello over at “The Young ‘n’ the Restless”. He kin hook you up.”
E.J. gathered up his papers, quickly stuffed them into his briefcase and dialed his cell phone. “Father, I need to speak with you immediately…”
Maw Maw grinned and waved as he headed for the door. “Told ya. Big baby.” She looked around the Pub. “Wonder where Caroline is with our chowder? Probab’ly had to run to the grocery store ‘n’ get s’more cans…here it comes.” She smiled at the young blond man coming to them with a tray.
“Mrs. Acres, Ms. Moretz my grandmother said to enjoy the chowder. She’s a little busy right now, but she’ll come out and chat when she has a chance.”
“She busy in the kitchen?” Maw Maw said as she looked hungrily at the bowl placed in front of her.
He shook his head. “On computer switching paternity tests.”
“Girl’s gotta have a hobby. Thank ye Will.”
“No problem, and she sent you these Irish coffees, as well.”
“Will?” Vista suddenly remembered. “How’s your little brother doin’?”
Will Horton smiled. “Much better. Thank you for asking.”
Maw Maw took a big slurp of her coffee. “I jes feel so bad, Little Johnny almost getting’ both his eyes poked out. It’s jest awful. Next thin’ ya know poor Allie will be getting that disease that bald Miss Delaware has. Did you watch Miss Americer?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Aw she was she sweet. She shoulda won.” She sipped her coffee again. “Mmm, Caroline makes these the way I like ‘em, light on the coffee, heavy on the Irish. You wanna sit a spell with us Will?”
“Oh thanks, but I have to go study with Gabby.” He said
“That’sa sweet.” Vista smiled at him. “Ya’ll study hard and have a good time.”
Before he turned away, Maw Maw grabbed his arm. “Will honey, afore ya run off I wanna teach ya a word that ‘parantly no one in Salem knows. Now repeats after me…con-dom….”
“Uhhh...” He said. “I have to go now.”
“Of course. Good seein’ you agin.” Vista nodded her head as Will Horton walked off with a strange look on his face.
“Touch-ee.” Maw Maw said. “I may need some more a this coffee, soon.”
A beautiful woman came to their table. “Maw Maw, Vista, I’m so glad you could meet me.” She took an empty seat and sat down.
“Carly, honey.” Maw Maw touched her hand. “Ya know alls ya gots to do is call.”
“Thank you.” She smiled.
Vista was having trouble wrapping her mind around all of this. “Carly Manning? You called us?”
“Well, yes. I called and said I needed to talk. You wanted me to meet you here. Did I misunderstand something?”
“No, no…I just…never mind.” Vista took another slug of her coffee.
“Now, sugar, what’s on yer mind?”
“What else?” Carly looked at Maw Maw.
“Bo Brady.” She said.
Carly nodded her head and tried to keep the tears back. “I don’t know what to do. Yes I do. I do know what to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier.”
“Face it, Carly. Bo an’ Hope are jes destined to be together…and break up…and get together agin.”
Vista looked at her. “Carly, I have to admit, that right now I’m more confused than Sarah Palin takin’ a grammar exam, but ya had to know when ya got involved with Bo Brady that it was always gonna end the way it did.”
“I know.” She held back a sigh and pushed the sugar dispenser around on the table a little bit.
“Face it.” Vista said firmly. “Getting involved with him was like watchin’ one of them Lifetime movies. As soon as ya turn it on you know by the end your gonna bawl your eyes out.”
“Mmm hmmm.” Maw Maw jumped right in. “When it’s over ya feel sa stupid fer getting involved in the first place, but at the same time you got what ya needed and it turns out it weren’t a silly waste a time after all.”
Carly looked up, forcing a little bit of a smile. “I needed him…and I think he needed me.”
“See?” Vista patted her hand. “It wasn’t a tragic waste a time. You had just come from that awful abusive marriage, and he was so hurt ‘n’ confused by the way Hope was a actin’. Who better to turn to than someone with a big heart and a lotta love to help ya heal and move on.”
“That’s the secret, Carly honey.” Maw Maw nodded. “Heal, now move on.”
“An’ you and Bo, it’ll be awkward fer a while, but yer always gonna be friends.” Vista Kay smiled as she looked at Carly. “That’s true love, the one that breaks your heart into a million pieces, but somehow is always there a rootin’ for ya to pick ‘em all up and put ‘em back together again.”
“You’re right, Vista Kay.” Carly smiled. “See I knew you’d know exactly what to say.”
“Now you buck up, Carly Manning.” Maw Maw shook her finger at her lovingly. “You’re jes’ fine. Ain’t no woman in this whole wide world needs a man to make ‘em whole.”
“There’s always been a man in my life.” Carly had to admit. “Somehow, I just don’t feel quite…what’s that awful cliché? Complete, I’ve always had to have a man in my life to feel complete.”
“Well, that’s just dumb.” Vista smiled. “Know what I need to feel complete? A good piece a cheesecake.”
“Cheesecake is good.” Maw Maw got that evil grin in her eyes. “But I has ta admit, a little beefcake ever once an’ a while don’ hurt.” She turned to the bar. “Hey Brady Black!”
“What?” The man turned around.
“It’s getting hot in here. Why don’tcha take yer shirt off?”
“Okay.” The man doffed his shirt, tossed it on the stool beside him and went back to his drink.
“That’s my problem.” Carly turned back to her friends after watching the show.
“You got the hots fer Brady Black?” Maw Maw whispered, hoping to get the scoop.
“Oh God no.” Carly slumped back in her chair. “Men, that’s my problem. All the men in this town are either married, in the closet or Roman Brady.”
“Well, if ya just have to have a man, Carly, why not start from scratch?” Vista said smiling at the young waitress as she brought them all more coffee.
“What have Stefano Dimera build me one?” Carly chuckled as she lifted the cup to her lips.
“Well, that’s always a possibility, but I recollect that never turns out well.” Vista nodded. “I was thinkin’ a younger man.” She leaned in and nodded toward the young good looking blonde boy/man on the other side of the pub.
Carly looked in the direction Vista nodded. Her eyes got big and she whipped her head back around. “Will Horton?”
“Oooh.” Maw Maw said swigging down her second coffee. “That’s a good idea.”
“He’s just seventeen!” Carly reminded them.
“So?” Maw Maw sat back. “Wait ‘til his eighteenth birthday, then grab him and screw him up yer way.”
The three ladies laughed. Maw took another swig of her coffee. “Carly honey, if nothin’ else…well jes remember “The Guiding Light”.
Carly thought a moment and one eyebrow crept up. “You know, for a self-centered booze hound, Nicole’s pretty hot.” Once again, the three women hooted.
Another jaw droppingly handsome man came in the door and grabbed their attention. He spotted them at the corner table and walked right over. “Carly, have you seen Melanie?”
“Daniel.” She said. “I’m sorry, but unfortunately I’m still not on our daughter’s list of people to check her schedule with.”
Vista put her hand on Carly’s wrist. “Honey, that’s gonna change, too. You just wait an’ see.”
Dr. Daniel Jonas smiled. “I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of meeting your lovely companions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Carly said. “These are two of my dearest old friends. This is Vista Kay Moretz…”
Vista put out her hand and looked up smiling. “Not that old. Nice to meet ya.”
“I love the accent. Is that Moretz or Mor-etz?” The doctor flirted.
“The one syllable is fine.” Vista smiled as he released her hand. “We ain’t uppity like the other half of the family.”
“And this is Ruby Acres.” Carly motioned to the old woman, whose mouth was hanging open, staring.
“Mama!” Vista Kay put her hand under her mother’s chin and lifted her stare from what was at her eye level to the man’s face. “Carly’s tryin’ to introduce you to Doctor Dan.”
“Oh, yes.” Maw Maw finally snapped back to focus on the man’s glittery eyes. “Nice ta meet ya. Call me Maw Maw, ever body does.”
“A pleasure to meet you, Maw Maw. May I join you ladies a moment?” He asked.
“Please.” Maw Maw kicked out the fourth chair with her foot and slurped her coffee. “Ya know Doctor Dan, I has ta admit I dint like ya much at all at first.”
“Excuse me?” He said as he sat himself down.
“Face it, when you first showed up in Salem, you was jest an erection wif a stethoscope.” She prattled.
“Mama!” Vista chided her, as Carly put her hand to her mouth and tried not to laugh too hard.
“Now I has ta admit, you an’ Nathan Horton do know how a woman likes ta see a man—wet an’ dressed in a towel.” Maw Maw looked in the air and mused. “Then sweet li’l Carly here come back ta town and ya’ll had the fuss wif Melanie, such a purdy purdy girl, and all that stuff wif Chloe and li’l Parker.”
“You know about Chloe and the baby?” He said.
“This is Salem.” Maw Maw said. “Ever body knows. An’ in all that mess ya showed ya gots a heart, a won’rful heart even bigger than Dan, Jr. there.” She pointed below the table. “And that’s sayin’ sumpin.”
“Law, Mama!” Vista turned bright red and pushed her coffee to the other side of the table. “I ain’t been this embarrassed since Vonda Kay farted the exact moment they crowned her Miss Mountain Electric!”
“I think Vonda coulda been Miss Tennessee if it twernt fer that.” Maw Maw thought out loud. “It’s hard ta fergit a gassy beauty queen, n’matter how hard ya try.”
The door to Brady pub slammed. “Ruby Acres!” Came the shout from across the room.
Maw Maw stood up straight and glared. “Vivian Alamain!”
“I thought I smelled Southern fried Ben Gay.” Vivian took a step toward the table.
“I cain’t smell as bad as you look, Vivian. Where you been, in a casket on a deserted island er sumpthin?” She put her hand to her mouth as she sat down. “Oh right, you have.”
“Don’t you mock me you old crone!” She spit.
“Don’t go there, Vivian.” Maw Maw warned. “I know yer birthdate an’ I ain’t a feared ta use it.”
“How dare you!” Vivian took another step toward the table.
“Vivian…” Carly stepped in. “Just go away. Nobody here needs or wants you around.”
“Carly Manning when I want your two cents worth I’ll ask a married man your sleeping with.” Vivian smiled.
“That’s enough!” Vista said, slapping her hands down on the table and pushing herself up. “Mama, no more Irish coffee for you.”
She turned to Vivian Alamain. “And you!”
“Me?” The woman seemed surprised.
“I have had it with you. I oughta do as Mama keeps a threatenin’ and turn you right over my knee and give you a good spankin’!”
“You go girl!” They all heard shirtless Brady Black encourage from the bar.
“You touch me, Vista Kay Acres Moretz, and I’ll have you arrested for assault and battery.”
Vista put her hands on her hips. “Do it. I dare ya. I’d use your legal name but quite frankly if I did that would mean I care enough to acknowledge your existence.”
“Why you little…”
“Quiet, I’m not finished.” Vista took a step towards Vivian and pointed at Carly Manning. “First you steal this woman’s baby and raise him behind her back.”
“She wasn’t ready to be a mother.” Vivian said.
Vista took another step closer. “Then you bury her alive.”
“She got out didn’t she?” Vivian took a step backward.
“Oh, I am just getting’ started. You’ve switched eggs, manipulated Chloe into tryin’ to kill her or you, and if that wasn’t enough you give Melanie a poison comb for her wedding? Vivian, that wasn’t just wacko it was down right stupid!”
“What was up wif ‘at, Ms. Alamain? Acme all outta anvils ta drop on her head?”
“That’s Countess Alamain, to you old crone.”
“Theys one too many ‘O’s in ‘at title if’n ya ask me.” Maw Maw took a sip from Vista’s cup.
“And to top it all off ya don’t even have the God given sense to pick a hair color. What is that red? Rust? Prime rib?”
“You think a bottle blonde Ellie Mae Clampett scares me?” Vivian shot back.
“Bottle blonde? Your darn lucky I don’t make you prove the drapes match the curtains!”
“You first.” Alamain sneered.
“That does it!” Vista grabbed Vivian by the arm
“Unhand me!” Vivian slapped at Vista’s grip. “Gus! Gus, where are you?”
“Have you tried lookin’ in the closet?” Maw Maw said.
“I’m gonna do something some one should have done a long time ago.” Vista dragged a struggling Vivian to the corner. She pointed. “Now stick your nose in there, and stand until you stop actin’ like you’re from the planet Bitch.”
“I will not be treated like a child.” Vivian tried to turn away from her head being shoved in the corner.
“Then stop acting like one.” Vista finally shoved the woman’s nose in the corner, kicking her in the rump to get her to stand there. The room cheered. “Now don’t move until I tell ya to.”
Resigned, Vivian Alamain rubbed her sore tushy and stood with her nose in the corner.
“And don’t get tons of makeup on the wall, Vivian. Caroline just painted.” Vista said over her shoulder as she strutted with pride back to her table.
Brady Black got off his stool, put his hands on the bar and looked at Vista over his shoulder with a wry smile. “I’ve been a baaaad boy. I need a spanking.”
“Ya couldn’t handle it, honey.” She smiled as she walked past and took her seat.
Carly Manning looked at Vista with pride and disbelief. “Can I give you Stefano Dimera’s number?”
“Well now that’s takin ker of…” Maw Maw looked at Daniel Jonas. “Ya know Doctor Dan, it’s getting’ awful hot in here, why don’t ya take your shirt off?”
“What?” The man choked out a smile.
“Come on, hot stuff. Let’s get a gander at them pecs.” Maw Maw slurred just a little.
“A think you’ve had a little too much Irish with your coffee.” The doctor blushed and pushed the old woman’s cup, again, out of her reach.
“Ya know, I been wonderin’…” Maw Maw looked at the man.
“Oh, here we go…” Vista looked for something to stop her mother from blurting out whatever was coming next.
“You gots sech a fine, fine chest, Doc…”
“Well, thank you.” Jonas was embarrassed, but flattered.
“Sometimes ya got this fine hairy chest, an’ other times it still looks fine but clean as a whistle. What’s up, chil’? You gots a chest like the clapper, wax on, wax off…is it a lightin’ problem or cain’t cha make up yer mind? Now I like a man wif a little hair on his…”
“Mama…I think that’s enough.” Vista warned, red faced, as the rest of the table tried to stifle giggles.
“I’m jest a sayin’.” Maw Maw defended herself.”
The door to the Brady pub flew open again. In rushed Nathan Horton, wearing an ugly shirt and carrying an armload of Jack-in-the-Box carry out bags. He rushed straight to the table in the corner.
“Have you seen Melanie?” He puffed out of breath.
“Nathan, what’s with all the hamburgers?” Daniel asked.
“And that shirt?” Carly had to add.
“It’s looks like ya got locked in Forrest Gump’s closet an’ couldn’t get out.” Maw Maw said.
“Oh.” Nathan smiled. “I got a commercial. I thought it might impress Melanie.”
“Nathan,” Vista said. “You gotta back off that girl, just a teensy bit.”
“But I love her, and I know she loves me.” He said.
“Sure, honey.” Vista smiled. “We all know that, but she’s so torn up right now. Just back off a bit, prove to her you’re the right man, the best man by just standin’ off to the side, just far enough outta sight so she still knows yer there, until she’s strong enough to be weak again.”
“Vista’s right, Nathan.” Carly nodded. “Give her some space. She’ll come around.”
“But I…” Nathan started to say. “I guess the Pandora Jeweler’s spot won’t work either.”
“I saw that.” Daniel piped up. “You were mackin’ on another chick in that one, dude. That never works; been there, done that…”
“Nathan Horton, you just calm down.” Maw Maw stood up, if a little wobbly, from the table. “You need a li’l distraction.”
“Distraction?”
“How ‘bout this?” Maw Maw put one hand behind Nathan’s head and one on his backside and pulled him into a kiss.
Nathan struggled a minute, then let go of the hamburgers and moved Maw Maw’s other hand to his butt.
Jack-in-the-Box rained down over the table, knocking coffee cups to the floor. Vista jumped up from the table to avoid splashing coffee and spilling hamburgers.
“Careful now.” She heard someone say as she slipped and fell backwards to the floor. The room started spinning. The air went hot and then cold.
“Vista?” She heard a familiar voice say.
“Ma’am? It’s okay, I’m a doctor.”
Vista opened her eyes. It took a moment to focus. She put her hand to her head. “Did I hit my head?”
“I don’ think so, honey.” Maw Maw was holding her hand. “But’cha passed out.” She leaned in closer. “Tol’ya it’d get us in here quicker.”
Vista sat up on the paper sheet. “Where am I?”
A man in a white smock flicked a pen light thing in her eyes. “You had a little accident and lost a little blood. Your in the emergency room.”
“I’m not in Salem?” Vista asked.
Maw Maw took her hand. “Course not, honey. Yer in Mountain City, whar we been almost ALL DAY.” She aimed at the doctor, who ignored her.
“Then we didn’t go to the Brady Pub?”
“You musta hit yer head, Vista. We been right here.”
Vista shook herself a little, and then winced as the doctor stuck a needle in her foot. She looked down at the gapping slash and back up. “I just slipped on a hamburger. How did that happen?”
“What?” Maw Maw had a look of concern on her face. “Vista Kay? What are you talkin’ about?”
“Never mind.” She said. “It must have been a dream. It was so real. You were there with me.”
“At the Brady Pub?” Vista nodded her head. “In Salem?”
“And Doctor Dan, and Carly Manning…”
“And my sweet little Nathan?” Maw Maw hoped.
“Yes, you and he were…never mind…oh Law! I dreamed of Vivian Alamain….”
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Episode #9: As Long As You Eat At Home
She stood there in the kitchen door and looked for a place on the counter to put down her armload of groceries. “Mama, what on Earth are you a doin’?”
“What does it look like, Vista Kay? I’m bakin’ some apple pies.”
“Are ya feedin’ an army?” She asked as she finally found a place to plop the pokes.
“Law no, but the boys is comin’ over ta watch “Primeval” with me, so I thought we’d have some pie an’ ice cream.”
“That’s real sweet Mama, but ‘xactly how many boys is comin’ over?”
“Just Brod, Ronnie and Jeff.” She rubbed White Lily on her wooden rolling pin and went to precisely flattening the dough. “I tol’ them boys they needed to be out a cattin’ aroun’, but they insist on one night a week with their Maw Maw.” She put the rolling pin aside and smiled at her daughter. “Who’da thought I’d be the pop’lar gal all the boys wants spend Saturday night with?”
Vista opened the pantry and started putting cans of soup away. “Are ya gonna be finished in time fer me ta start dinner?”
“Oh, honey, I already gots a chicken casserole in the ice box ready for the oven. That little Melanie and Brady was a sittin’ around eatin’ one Maggie made on m’story this week an’ I got a hankerin’. I tried ta find Maggie on Twitter ta tell her ta add a brick a cream cheese, but I cain’t find her.”
“You’ve really gotten into ta this Twitter thang, ain’t cha?” Vista opened the fridge and put some veggies from her bags in the crisper.
“Oh, I jus’ love it. Gives an ol’ lady sumpin ta do.” Maw Maw picked up her pie crust and gently laid it in one of the pie pans she’d bought when she was Vista’s age.
Suddenly the kitchen was filled with music. Vista looked up from her grocery bags. “Is that cello music?”
Maw Maw held up her finger. “Torchwood Theme…hold that thought, honey pot.” She pulled her I-Phone out of her apron pocket. She expertly pressed a few buttons and smiled. “Ronnie’s gonna bring Modene. Did you get some Sun Drop?”
“Yes…”
“Good.” Maw Maw smiled and typed a message and hit send. “Cain’t understand why Ronnie and Modene love that Sun Drop. Tastes like dirty water a lemon peed in ta me.” She dropped her phone back in her pocket, washed her hands and went back to work on her pies.
Vista balled up the grocery bags and stuffed them into the recycle holder her Aunt Faye made out of an old umbrella cover and some safety pins. She walked past the oven to preheat it for the casserole. “Have you already got pies in the oven?”
“Uh huh.” Maw Maw sprinkled more White Lily on the counter and plopped another mound of dough on it. “Got four a coolin' in the mud room, four in the oven and getting ready ta fill the last four.”
“Twelve pies?” Vista put her hands on her hips. “Just how many tape worms do the boys have?”
Maw Maw giggled. “Vista Kay they ain’t all fer me an’ the boys. I’m sendin’ ten of em as gifts to m’friends.”
“What friends?” Vista opened the door to the mudroom and sure enough, there were four golden brown apple pies on the baker’s rack.
“Well, James Scott had a birthday las’week. Now he ain’t got no Twitter account so I couldn’t wish ‘im happy birthday, but that Nicole girl, what’s her name agin? Sumpin Zucker, anyway she Tweeted a picture of a birthday cake someone sent ‘im so I thought…”
The woman held up her hands. “Stop right there, Mama! Are we a talkin’ about that soap opera agin?”
“No.” Her mother looked up from her last pie crust and rubbed the flour off her nose.
“Ain’t James Scott that actor?”
“Yess’m. He plays E.J.”
“Then we are talkin’ about your story.”
“No, we’re talkin’ about James Scott. The actor who plays Elvis, Jr. on m’story. They’s a difference a tween real and not real, Vista honey.”
“No kiddin’.”
“Anyway…” Maw Maw went back to her pie. “I thought I’d send him one a m’apple pies as a late birthday gift. Then a course that little Ali Sweeney hurt her knee. She’s still a waitin’ on the MRI, so I thought I’d send her one. Then I thought well, I’ll just make enough for whoever’s a workin' the day they come.”
“So you’re gonna send twelve apple pies to Salem?”
Maw Maw shook her head. "Jus' ten of 'em. The other two's fer tanight. We gots ta have some sugar wif our monsters."
“Mama, Salem don’t exist!”
“Yes it does!” Maw Maw whipped around and stabbed her flour covered rolling pin at her daughter. “It’s a set at the studio. I’m a havin’ m’pies UPSed to the set with a little thank ye note, and I sorry I fergot yer birthday card fer Mr. Scott.”
“Mama, I’m beginning ta worry about you.”
“P’shaw honey. I know them people don’t read most a m’Tweets, but it makes me happy. An’ if someone from Ca-nay-de-a kin have a choc’late cake sent to E.J. fer his birthday, then UPS can fer dern sure cart ten pies to ‘em.”
“Fine, Mama.” Her head turned when the chicken timer started squawking. “Does’at mean yer pies are comin’ out of the oven?”
“Yup an’ leave the oven on. I jus needs ta put the finishin’ touches on this’n and the last batch’ll go right in. Do ya wanna sign Jimmy Scott’s birthday card?”
Vista smiled as she stuck her hands in the oven mitts shaped like cows and opened the door. “No thanks, Mama.”
“It’s real funny. On the front it’s got Lazarus a tellin’ somebody ‘I was dead! I tell ya, I was dead!” an’ on the inside it says ‘My excuse fer missin’ birthday isn’t as good’. Ain’t that darlin’?”
“Real cute, Mama.” She carried one of the pies into the mud room.
“I thought ‘bout scratchin’ Lazarus’ name out an’ writin in Stefano, but I thought that a might sac-religious.”
Maw Maw carefully laid the top crust on her pie and began to pinch the edges. The Torchwood theme played again. She reached in her pocket and looked at the screen. “Hey, Luller, what’cha doin’?”
“I need your hep’ somethin’ awful, Ruby.” She heard her day. “Am I a botherin ya?”
“I’m jus’ finishin’ up makin’ some pies for E.J.’s birthday.”
“Is it his birthday?”
“Las’ week.” She shifted the phone to her other ear and wiped her hands on her apron. “You want I should put yer name on the card, too?”
“Would you? That’d be so sweet.”
“Sure, honey, now what can I do fer ya?”
“I’m a tryin’ ta make yer Monkey Bread fer m’ gran’babies. I got ever thing, but I forgot how ta put it ta-gether.”
“No prob, Luller. I’ll walk ya through it. Now what have ya got?”
“Well, I got two cans a buttermilk biscuits…”
“Have ya preheated yer oven to what the directions says?”
“Ya huh and a melted a whole stick a butter.”
“Did ya mix tagether a cup a sugar an a tablespoon a cinnamon?”
“In the bowl, now what?”
“Hold yer horses, Luller. Ya gots yer bunt pan all greased?”
“A course I got m’bunt pan greased, ya think I jus’ come from a two fer one sale on stupid?”
Maw Maw laughed. “No, honey, but if ya ain’t got that bunt pan greased real well yer Monkey bread’s a gonna stick ‘n’ burn.”
“Taken care of.”
“Okay, Luller, the rest is simple. Jest cut them biscuits each in half then half agin, roll em into balls an roll ‘em in that sugar mixture.”
“That’s it?”
“Uh huh. Drop 'em in the bunt pan onest ya gots ‘em rolled. When ya got one can a biscuits dropped in, pour half that butter over ‘em, then sprinkle half yer remainin’ sugar mix then repeat.”
“See I knowed it was easy. I was jest sure it was harder’n that.”
“Now, if’n ya want afore ya do the other can a biscuits you kin sprinkle a handful a nuts er choclate chips er raisins, what ever blows yer skirt up. Just do it again when ya git that other can a biscuits done.”
“Then I bake it fer whatever the directions on the can calls for plus fifteen right?”
“Plus ten, but if the top ain’t brown leave it a while longer. An don’t ferget when ya take it outta the oven, flip it right outta the pan. Don’ let it cool er you’ll never get that mess out!"
“Got’cha. Hey, you watched the story yet?”
“Course, once yestady and once on Hulu this morning. I been bawlin’ my eyes out all day.”
“It’s jus sa sad.” Luller moaned. “I cain’t believe they’s pokin’ both a little Johnny’s eyes out.”
“Law, you don’t think they’d make that little boy blind do ya?” Maw Maw fretted.
“They gots ta do something to redeem E.J. and Sami.”
“Well, Sami ain’t got nothin’ to be forgiven fer as far as I’m concerned.”
“But she shot E.J. in the head, Ruby!”
“Law, the way that man has treated her, the only thang she did wrong was put a bullet in the wrong head!”
Luller giggled. “I swan, Ruby Acres, you is a mess. Now do ya thank Dr. Dan and that Chloe’ll get back tagether?”
“I gots to admit, I do feel sorry fer Chloe, but she’s just one split end away from Crazyville, an’ poor ol’ Doctor Dan. With all the yer the daddy yer not the daddy biz'ness Carly and Chloe has put him threwed, if I was him I’d join Vivian a daydreamin’ about skinny dippin with Brady.”
“The womens in Salem just don’t know how ta treat a man, do they?”
“Luller honey, I gots to crimp m’pies now. Me ‘n’ the boys er a watchin’ “Primeval” tonight if ya wants ta come over.”
“No honey, but I'm sa glad God give us poor folk BBCAmerica."
"Ain't it the truth." Maw Maw agreed.
"But lets me know when season three a “Being Human” starts, the good one." She remembered, then added, "I loves me some Russell Tovey.”
“Luller, ya know he’s one a them gay boys.” Maw Maw reminded her.
“I know, but it don’t matter whar ya git yer appetite as long as ya eats at home.”
Maw Maw laughed. “Law, ain’t it the truth, Luller. Hope the gran babies like the Monkey Bread.”
She hit end on her phone and slipped it back in her pocket. She picked up a bread knife and made five perfect slits in the top crust of her last pie, then inspected her work.
Vista breezed in from the mudroom. “Mama, one a these days yer gonna hafta teach me yer secret to crimpin’ a pie crust. They is always the purdiest I ever seed.”
“Honey, it’s a secret handed down from each generation a women in are fam’ly. When I pass on, I left a letter fer both you ‘n’ yer sister ‘xactly how ta do it.”
“But Mama…”
“Honey, ya waited all this time, another thirty forty years ain’t gonna hurt’cha none.”
“Fine. Get them pies in the oven. Brod’ll be home from work soon; an I wanna have dinner on the table. He likes aspar’gus with chicken. Has we gots any in the freezer?”
“Should be. You run out ta the Spring house an’ check an’ I’ll crimp these last pies an’ gets ‘em ta bakin’.”
“Ya won’t let me stay ‘n watch?”
“No honey. I wants ta be buried in m' Save Mark Hapka tee shirt, so my secret is all a gots ta pass on to ya when I die, other wise I cain’t leave ya nothin’ but m’bills.”
“Okay, Mama.” Vista grabbed her jacket and kissed her mother on the check. “It’s cold out thar. I keep a wonderin’ when Johnson County, Tennessee slid all the way to Montana.”
“Still gots four more pebbles in m’jar. Winter aint’ ova yet.” Maw Maw nodded to the Mason jar on the windowsill.
“Well, if I don’ come back in five minutes come lookin’ fer m’body at Spring thaw.” Vista pushed out the kitchen door into the snowy winter chill.
Maw Maw nonchalantly looked out the window to make sure she saw her daughter had passed. As soon as she was sure she wouldn’t return suddenly, the old woman pulled closer the last pie to be finished. “Ain’t even lettin’ m’daughter has a chance a winning the blue ribbon at the county fair ‘stead a me…”
She looked out the window one more time. Satisfied Vista wouldn’t return, she pulled out her false teeth and used them to perfectly crimp the crusts of her pies.
“What does it look like, Vista Kay? I’m bakin’ some apple pies.”
“Are ya feedin’ an army?” She asked as she finally found a place to plop the pokes.
“Law no, but the boys is comin’ over ta watch “Primeval” with me, so I thought we’d have some pie an’ ice cream.”
“That’s real sweet Mama, but ‘xactly how many boys is comin’ over?”
“Just Brod, Ronnie and Jeff.” She rubbed White Lily on her wooden rolling pin and went to precisely flattening the dough. “I tol’ them boys they needed to be out a cattin’ aroun’, but they insist on one night a week with their Maw Maw.” She put the rolling pin aside and smiled at her daughter. “Who’da thought I’d be the pop’lar gal all the boys wants spend Saturday night with?”
Vista opened the pantry and started putting cans of soup away. “Are ya gonna be finished in time fer me ta start dinner?”
“Oh, honey, I already gots a chicken casserole in the ice box ready for the oven. That little Melanie and Brady was a sittin’ around eatin’ one Maggie made on m’story this week an’ I got a hankerin’. I tried ta find Maggie on Twitter ta tell her ta add a brick a cream cheese, but I cain’t find her.”
“You’ve really gotten into ta this Twitter thang, ain’t cha?” Vista opened the fridge and put some veggies from her bags in the crisper.
“Oh, I jus’ love it. Gives an ol’ lady sumpin ta do.” Maw Maw picked up her pie crust and gently laid it in one of the pie pans she’d bought when she was Vista’s age.
Suddenly the kitchen was filled with music. Vista looked up from her grocery bags. “Is that cello music?”
Maw Maw held up her finger. “Torchwood Theme…hold that thought, honey pot.” She pulled her I-Phone out of her apron pocket. She expertly pressed a few buttons and smiled. “Ronnie’s gonna bring Modene. Did you get some Sun Drop?”
“Yes…”
“Good.” Maw Maw smiled and typed a message and hit send. “Cain’t understand why Ronnie and Modene love that Sun Drop. Tastes like dirty water a lemon peed in ta me.” She dropped her phone back in her pocket, washed her hands and went back to work on her pies.
Vista balled up the grocery bags and stuffed them into the recycle holder her Aunt Faye made out of an old umbrella cover and some safety pins. She walked past the oven to preheat it for the casserole. “Have you already got pies in the oven?”
“Uh huh.” Maw Maw sprinkled more White Lily on the counter and plopped another mound of dough on it. “Got four a coolin' in the mud room, four in the oven and getting ready ta fill the last four.”
“Twelve pies?” Vista put her hands on her hips. “Just how many tape worms do the boys have?”
Maw Maw giggled. “Vista Kay they ain’t all fer me an’ the boys. I’m sendin’ ten of em as gifts to m’friends.”
“What friends?” Vista opened the door to the mudroom and sure enough, there were four golden brown apple pies on the baker’s rack.
“Well, James Scott had a birthday las’week. Now he ain’t got no Twitter account so I couldn’t wish ‘im happy birthday, but that Nicole girl, what’s her name agin? Sumpin Zucker, anyway she Tweeted a picture of a birthday cake someone sent ‘im so I thought…”
The woman held up her hands. “Stop right there, Mama! Are we a talkin’ about that soap opera agin?”
“No.” Her mother looked up from her last pie crust and rubbed the flour off her nose.
“Ain’t James Scott that actor?”
“Yess’m. He plays E.J.”
“Then we are talkin’ about your story.”
“No, we’re talkin’ about James Scott. The actor who plays Elvis, Jr. on m’story. They’s a difference a tween real and not real, Vista honey.”
“No kiddin’.”
“Anyway…” Maw Maw went back to her pie. “I thought I’d send him one a m’apple pies as a late birthday gift. Then a course that little Ali Sweeney hurt her knee. She’s still a waitin’ on the MRI, so I thought I’d send her one. Then I thought well, I’ll just make enough for whoever’s a workin' the day they come.”
“So you’re gonna send twelve apple pies to Salem?”
Maw Maw shook her head. "Jus' ten of 'em. The other two's fer tanight. We gots ta have some sugar wif our monsters."
“Mama, Salem don’t exist!”
“Yes it does!” Maw Maw whipped around and stabbed her flour covered rolling pin at her daughter. “It’s a set at the studio. I’m a havin’ m’pies UPSed to the set with a little thank ye note, and I sorry I fergot yer birthday card fer Mr. Scott.”
“Mama, I’m beginning ta worry about you.”
“P’shaw honey. I know them people don’t read most a m’Tweets, but it makes me happy. An’ if someone from Ca-nay-de-a kin have a choc’late cake sent to E.J. fer his birthday, then UPS can fer dern sure cart ten pies to ‘em.”
“Fine, Mama.” Her head turned when the chicken timer started squawking. “Does’at mean yer pies are comin’ out of the oven?”
“Yup an’ leave the oven on. I jus needs ta put the finishin’ touches on this’n and the last batch’ll go right in. Do ya wanna sign Jimmy Scott’s birthday card?”
Vista smiled as she stuck her hands in the oven mitts shaped like cows and opened the door. “No thanks, Mama.”
“It’s real funny. On the front it’s got Lazarus a tellin’ somebody ‘I was dead! I tell ya, I was dead!” an’ on the inside it says ‘My excuse fer missin’ birthday isn’t as good’. Ain’t that darlin’?”
“Real cute, Mama.” She carried one of the pies into the mud room.
“I thought ‘bout scratchin’ Lazarus’ name out an’ writin in Stefano, but I thought that a might sac-religious.”
Maw Maw carefully laid the top crust on her pie and began to pinch the edges. The Torchwood theme played again. She reached in her pocket and looked at the screen. “Hey, Luller, what’cha doin’?”
“I need your hep’ somethin’ awful, Ruby.” She heard her day. “Am I a botherin ya?”
“I’m jus’ finishin’ up makin’ some pies for E.J.’s birthday.”
“Is it his birthday?”
“Las’ week.” She shifted the phone to her other ear and wiped her hands on her apron. “You want I should put yer name on the card, too?”
“Would you? That’d be so sweet.”
“Sure, honey, now what can I do fer ya?”
“I’m a tryin’ ta make yer Monkey Bread fer m’ gran’babies. I got ever thing, but I forgot how ta put it ta-gether.”
“No prob, Luller. I’ll walk ya through it. Now what have ya got?”
“Well, I got two cans a buttermilk biscuits…”
“Have ya preheated yer oven to what the directions says?”
“Ya huh and a melted a whole stick a butter.”
“Did ya mix tagether a cup a sugar an a tablespoon a cinnamon?”
“In the bowl, now what?”
“Hold yer horses, Luller. Ya gots yer bunt pan all greased?”
“A course I got m’bunt pan greased, ya think I jus’ come from a two fer one sale on stupid?”
Maw Maw laughed. “No, honey, but if ya ain’t got that bunt pan greased real well yer Monkey bread’s a gonna stick ‘n’ burn.”
“Taken care of.”
“Okay, Luller, the rest is simple. Jest cut them biscuits each in half then half agin, roll em into balls an roll ‘em in that sugar mixture.”
“That’s it?”
“Uh huh. Drop 'em in the bunt pan onest ya gots ‘em rolled. When ya got one can a biscuits dropped in, pour half that butter over ‘em, then sprinkle half yer remainin’ sugar mix then repeat.”
“See I knowed it was easy. I was jest sure it was harder’n that.”
“Now, if’n ya want afore ya do the other can a biscuits you kin sprinkle a handful a nuts er choclate chips er raisins, what ever blows yer skirt up. Just do it again when ya git that other can a biscuits done.”
“Then I bake it fer whatever the directions on the can calls for plus fifteen right?”
“Plus ten, but if the top ain’t brown leave it a while longer. An don’t ferget when ya take it outta the oven, flip it right outta the pan. Don’ let it cool er you’ll never get that mess out!"
“Got’cha. Hey, you watched the story yet?”
“Course, once yestady and once on Hulu this morning. I been bawlin’ my eyes out all day.”
“It’s jus sa sad.” Luller moaned. “I cain’t believe they’s pokin’ both a little Johnny’s eyes out.”
“Law, you don’t think they’d make that little boy blind do ya?” Maw Maw fretted.
“They gots ta do something to redeem E.J. and Sami.”
“Well, Sami ain’t got nothin’ to be forgiven fer as far as I’m concerned.”
“But she shot E.J. in the head, Ruby!”
“Law, the way that man has treated her, the only thang she did wrong was put a bullet in the wrong head!”
Luller giggled. “I swan, Ruby Acres, you is a mess. Now do ya thank Dr. Dan and that Chloe’ll get back tagether?”
“I gots to admit, I do feel sorry fer Chloe, but she’s just one split end away from Crazyville, an’ poor ol’ Doctor Dan. With all the yer the daddy yer not the daddy biz'ness Carly and Chloe has put him threwed, if I was him I’d join Vivian a daydreamin’ about skinny dippin with Brady.”
“The womens in Salem just don’t know how ta treat a man, do they?”
“Luller honey, I gots to crimp m’pies now. Me ‘n’ the boys er a watchin’ “Primeval” tonight if ya wants ta come over.”
“No honey, but I'm sa glad God give us poor folk BBCAmerica."
"Ain't it the truth." Maw Maw agreed.
"But lets me know when season three a “Being Human” starts, the good one." She remembered, then added, "I loves me some Russell Tovey.”
“Luller, ya know he’s one a them gay boys.” Maw Maw reminded her.
“I know, but it don’t matter whar ya git yer appetite as long as ya eats at home.”
Maw Maw laughed. “Law, ain’t it the truth, Luller. Hope the gran babies like the Monkey Bread.”
She hit end on her phone and slipped it back in her pocket. She picked up a bread knife and made five perfect slits in the top crust of her last pie, then inspected her work.
Vista breezed in from the mudroom. “Mama, one a these days yer gonna hafta teach me yer secret to crimpin’ a pie crust. They is always the purdiest I ever seed.”
“Honey, it’s a secret handed down from each generation a women in are fam’ly. When I pass on, I left a letter fer both you ‘n’ yer sister ‘xactly how ta do it.”
“But Mama…”
“Honey, ya waited all this time, another thirty forty years ain’t gonna hurt’cha none.”
“Fine. Get them pies in the oven. Brod’ll be home from work soon; an I wanna have dinner on the table. He likes aspar’gus with chicken. Has we gots any in the freezer?”
“Should be. You run out ta the Spring house an’ check an’ I’ll crimp these last pies an’ gets ‘em ta bakin’.”
“Ya won’t let me stay ‘n watch?”
“No honey. I wants ta be buried in m' Save Mark Hapka tee shirt, so my secret is all a gots ta pass on to ya when I die, other wise I cain’t leave ya nothin’ but m’bills.”
“Okay, Mama.” Vista grabbed her jacket and kissed her mother on the check. “It’s cold out thar. I keep a wonderin’ when Johnson County, Tennessee slid all the way to Montana.”
“Still gots four more pebbles in m’jar. Winter aint’ ova yet.” Maw Maw nodded to the Mason jar on the windowsill.
“Well, if I don’ come back in five minutes come lookin’ fer m’body at Spring thaw.” Vista pushed out the kitchen door into the snowy winter chill.
Maw Maw nonchalantly looked out the window to make sure she saw her daughter had passed. As soon as she was sure she wouldn’t return suddenly, the old woman pulled closer the last pie to be finished. “Ain’t even lettin’ m’daughter has a chance a winning the blue ribbon at the county fair ‘stead a me…”
She looked out the window one more time. Satisfied Vista wouldn’t return, she pulled out her false teeth and used them to perfectly crimp the crusts of her pies.
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